First off, I want to apologize to everyone who got worried about me. I have been feeling these weird heavy boulders in my shoulders and it felt like deactivating would lift me off of the burden. It actually did and I felt free the moment I deactivated. And gosh, let’s not talk about life and work, I hate them.

Lemme just say what I want to elucidate.

In my estimation, the 5% of the reason why I deactivated is the silent readers. The 95% is all on me. XD I am a binge writer and I’m always impulsive. HAHAHA. Also, before I deactivated, I wrote like crazy. So maybe this is just my usual bipolarity. *coughs* (Self-diagnosis) Erm, everything is connected though. I don’t know if you guys have had these strange thoughts too. Like, questioning yourselves why you’re doing something? Or why are you in that place/position right now? If what you’re doing is just a waste of time and no longer appropriate for your age? Annoying midlife crisis. Somewhere along those stupid contemplations. T-T

What does the future hold? I’m not even good at this. Maybe that’s the reason why there are silent readers too. Because whatever I write is not worthy of their time to type a comment or click the upvote/like button. However (please don’t think I am glorifying silent treatment) I do think that there’s also love in silence. Let’s put it this way. There are those type of individuals who are afraid to speak their thoughts, embarrassed to make a mistake for their choice of words, or they are just simply uncomfortable to let anyone know what’s inside their minds.

There are countless instances where I told myself that I shouldn’t be gripped over comments. That I shouldn’t focus on things I cannot control. (Thank you so much baby Byul for cheering me up. You knew how I exactly felt. T-T) Seeing other authors putting restrictions on their stories made me consider about them too but, I couldn’t really go on that last resort. It didn’t sit well with what I think I want? I highly respect those authors though, don’t get me wrong. And I 100% believe that what they’re doing is only rightful since they own their stories. We have to respect each other since we have different ways to cope up with things.

It seems like I like to lay out plans (something I didn’t notice until my demon twinnie Nuna pointed it out). In fact I have been set to make some updates for my stories this month but since I deactivated for a few days, I ruined my own timeline. The way I didn’t go with my plans is still bothering the heck out of me but, I need to move on. Lol.

Since I’m back (and I’m hoping this isn’t temporary), I just want to say I have a lot in store for you guys. It’s just that my time doesn’t allow what I want to accomplish. So updates will still be slow and sporadic.

Soooo. What happened during the several days I deactivated? (I just really got trapped in Aaron Blackford’s ocean blue eyes and I still can’t move on HELP).

I tried to find the answers to my questions. I tried to seek for the justifications on all of my concerns. At first, my goal was to master the state of ‘IDGAF’ but at the end of the day, I have learned that I will always long for some kind of appreciation. And being in a state of ‘IDGAF’ is not long lasting. Which means, I cannot be on the ‘IDGAF’ mode all of the time.

I thought hard. I wracked my brain for answers. And after a while (after a tiring and draining day at work) I finally came to a wonderful conclusion. I may be just writing fanfics but am I just really after the votes or comments? Is that really what I want? (Of course I love receiving them). However, I realized that what I really want to do is to touch the reader’s hearts. Just as same when I’m writing, I want to help co-fans to momentarily forget about the harsh reality. In the first place, that’s the reason why we’re all connected right now. Because of the group we most love, because of the fandom that we love. And if I can make someone feel happy by writing, by updating, by posting something, I would etch in my brain to focus on that aspect.

What will be the markers then? How can I know if I was able to do exactly that? The views are inaccurate so, no. Of course, comments and votes are what I usually focus on but again, not all are comfortable to make them. Thus, I will just focus on the amount of subs as my main indicator. Not every subber will read, but hey, at least it’s telling me something. There are people actually reading my .

I have decided to make it a goal. And the goal this year is to reach 56,000 total subs (I’m just trying to connect the numbers with Baek’s birthday HAHAHA. I can’t do that with Soo’s birthday because a goal of 112,000 or so is impossible this year. Or maybe, I can fuse their birthdays and make the goal 56,112???). LMAO. Also, to get featured? The most impossible thing of all. This one is a long term goal though because it’s a feat that’s really hard to achieve. Only Tempo is in the running too, sooooo. But yeah, it’s not bad to have dreams and goals.

To the silent readers, I am still a bit grumpy towards you guys but I am trying my best to understand where you’re coming from. I just hope you will try to be active too like other cute and kind readers here. :D

To all the active voters and readers, sorry and thank you. Please keep being active coz you inspire a lot of authors. I still haven’t thought of any fun activities this year. I’m thinking about reader awards but I had some issues last time… hence, I want to come up with something different at the end of the year. Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you if you even reached this part. Keep safe and sound!

xoxo

Lyn