yeah. recently I've been stuck in my quarter-life crisis and wondering how I should be spending my time and etc. I have an irrational fear of driving because I know that the next adult step I need to take is to buy another (yes...another...because the first one...was a damn headache omg don't even get me started) car and teach myself how to drive. I started learning w my ex...but he's my ex now and we are not and will hopefully never be in contact ever again lol. and my family doesn't like teaching each other how to drive so I can't rely on them. and then driving lessons are expensive AF and they don't take my type of card over the phone so that's a no-go. so yeah. I'm also scared of others judging me even though I shouldn't and I pretend like it doesn't bother me...it really does because I'm scared to be alone because I don't want to fail and go broke and die lol. so I don't want to make big decisions and then have the people around me tear me down and judge all of them. it's more so my own anxiety eating at me than reality but it just takes a few arguments between me and someone for me to make them like a monster in my head.

I also am struggling with my personal goals and direction because I really like doing creative projects and stuff but I'm scared of working so hard on things and having them go nowhere and then I go broke and die lol. But then I also want some freedom over my life to spend my time how I like and not feel trapped with a day job. but I kinda feel like that mindset was implanted in my mind from toxic online self-help gurus that try to make office jobs out to be things only for drones and people who hate themselves and will never amount to anything. so I put a lot of pressure on myself to not make the wrong choice to the point I paralyze myself and end up making no choice. 

So at this point, I think I'm just going to go for a middle ground for a while and let it unfold from there. Because I do really like writing heartfelt stories and coming up with things that fulfill my creative streak. But I think of things in extremes like if I'm going to do those things at all then I need to be doing them all the time which is not true. I can do that stuff sometimes and other things other times. 

I think I'm just going to keep working my job, get a car and teach myself to drive, and then enroll in school to become an aircraft maintenance person because their starting pay is double to triple what I make now and it would only take me 2 years to get that certificate. and I've already been working at my job for two years so what is two more years to have them pay for my school and give me bonus checks you know. And becoming like an aviation mechanic/maintenance will probably help me ease into learning more about cars and how to maintain mine which will help me get over my fear of owning and maintaining and driving my own car. 

And with that, since I'll actually be working towards something, I can take pressure off of myself because that's a very solid and stable career choice. So in my free time, I can spend it doing whatever I want as intensively as I want because I know I'll have a source of income that will pay my bills. So with that, I can write what I want. Honestly, all I want to write right now is shorts because I know y'all love them and I love the validation of getting a ton of subs on them I won't even lie to you lol. They're fun to write bc it's just me writing the kind of I actually like to watch lmaoooo. Also I wanna write more literary/contemporary romance/slice of life stories. Kind of like my story Curious Days of Youth or even On His Mind, or like Game Changer. But like, a little more...poetic? Like a little more introspective and using more flowery language and exploring more idealistic concepts. Kinda like John Green books, you know what I'm saying. 

But yeah, since I'm at 94815 total story subs on here right now (thank you thank you all deadass thank you....it was mostly the seulrene that boosted me so thank you seulrene shippers lol) so I was thinking of posting more shorts, ideally five a day because that seems easy but also fulfilling (and also with that I could write seulrene but also aespa )  until I hit 100k total subs, and then I was thinking of celebrating that milestone where I write 10 different 10k word count stories that I post as oneshots and they will be nonrated contemporary stories. I'll make a blog post asking for ideas and maybe do 5 of my own ideas and 5 of commentors ideas. oooo and I could also give kp to everyone who comments ideas. At first, I was thinking of only giving kp to the ideas I pick but that seems kinda mean and like it might make some ppl feel insecure that their idea isn't good enough so they won't comment on it. Oh, I could give 100kp to everyone who comments. bc its like celebrating 100k you know. And I do have a lot of kp saved up rn. Esp cause I bought the gold membership for two years last January so I get like double kp from stuff. 

But yeah then those 10 stories I could convert them to nonfanfics and add like a bonus epilogue and toss them on amazon or something and post the link after I post the story. My last blog was like what If I write stories on here and leave them up for a day and then take them down and only have them on amazon but that just kinda seems like too much. Maybe in the future, I'll be more in that mindset again but honestly, right now I just wanna get back to using creative writing as a hobby and a way to escape and feel like I'm doing something for me that is useful for me, but also others because I do enjoy social validation lol. But being a self-published author is just too volatile of a career for me to pursue right now mentally. Maybe once I have the better job I'm aiming for, if I end up really hating that then ill go into self-publishing and really pursuing it but I think right now having a creative hobby just as a passion and not as a way to pressure myself into feeding into capitalism would be best. But I do want to post them on amazon too so if people want it as an ebook for some reason or just wanna support me a bit more they can. Also so that if I want I can like maybe make them a series on amazon if I really like the world I built or just buy them as little paperbacks to on for myself <3

Thank you to anyone who read all of this lol. Let me know how you've been recently as well.

I will say...I've been doing a bit better socially. I start dating a new guy but casually for about a month and it really helped me get over my ex and show me that life isn't that serious and it's okay to be where I am at my age. But yeah...I'm not serious w that guy and he's not serious w me (we talked about it in the beginning so we know what our relationship is lol) so I might be going on a first date w a new guy this Tuesday lol. and funnily enough, he just got the cert I'm aiming to get and he starts his new job in a couple of weeks lol. so even if things don't work out romantically w him, I'll have a friend who is doing what I want to do that I can talk to so that's good. 

Hope you all have a nice day/night :)