Just writing this to try and get rid of some of these negative feelings I’ve been feeling lately. I never have anyone I can talk to about what goes on in my head, well…there’s one person I’d probably trust but I always feeling like such a burden…a downer because I’m always going through one thing or another.

Writing has always been a way to pour out some of those emotions, it also helps me when my severe anxiety or panic attacks become suffocating but at the same time, sometimes I’m just drowning and I can’t bring myself to even get out of bed let alone write. I’ve struggled with a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, probably the one I’ve struggled with the longest is self harm and six past suicide attempts when everything became to overwhelming.

I take things to heart, it’s just the way I am, and I know I shouldn’t let other people’s words hold so much weight but with the life I’ve lived its left my heart wounded and fragile, leaving it nearly impossible to open up or trust since its blown up in my face before. Recently some things had been said that’s really left me spiraling—one was something my mother said, and another was a comment on a story that just made me doubt myself even more… as a writer and a person.

My relationship with my family is honestly ed up and complicated.

I’m not going to get deep into that because it’d take a lifetime to explain, but recently she said that I have a face only a mother could love…she claims that like that are only jokes and makes me out to be the bad person when I get hurt over those words.

I was bullied a lot and have always had very low self-esteem, my looks being one of them. It just…I don’t know, I slip into a bad headspace so easily and for whatever reason that comment brought back one specific incident back in school that’s always haunted me.

I was like 11 or 12 when it happened, we got our yearbooks for school and in class one of my classmates (he was one of my main bullies, but he’ll remain nameless.) called me out in front of the class (the teacher was out of the room for a moment, I don’t remember why.) and said:

“Oh Andrea, looking at your picture makes me feel suicidal.”

People laughed, I shut down. It was during a time when my self harm was really bad as well and when I left class to hide out in the bathroom, it took everything I had not to take a razor to my face then ask “is this better now?” I have nightmares about it sometimes.

And then when I received a certain comment on my one of my stories it just made me close up even more. When I don’t receive any feedback on stories it leaves me second guessing my work or the quality of it but at the same time when something’s negative, I just shut down and lock it away.

Even though they said it wasn’t a ‘criticism’ it hurt. I don’t really know how or if I should respond or just move on. But it’s been making it hard to focus when I write now, I’m asking myself if what I’m writing is any good or with the works that haven’t received any sort of feedback if I should just scrap them, maybe I’m just not as good a writer as I felt I was or used to be.

Again, writing has always been a passion of mine. Not just in story form but poetry and journaling as well. It helps to filter out things that have chained themselves to me, continually trying to drag me down or leave me feeling hallow.

Even now it’s hard to think clearly, like my head is in a thick fog. I’ll get over it at some point, it just usually has a way of creeping back up on me. I’m not going to quiet writing, because I really do love it—but maybe I should re-evaluate some of my work…I don’t know.

I’m not really sure what the point of this entry was but I think it helps to get it out some way. Listening to music helps to but sometimes one way just isn’t enough. This world can be so cruel and calloused, it’s honestly exhausting just to exist most days.

I’m not trying to complain, I hope it doesn’t come across that way. Just trying to shift through the chaos that enters my mind sometimes. I guess that’s it for now.

To whoever might read this, I do hope you’re doing well and we might not know each, but if you ever need someone to vent to—I’m always willing to listen. I know how hard it is having to deal with things on your own.

I’ll shut up now… have a good night/day and please take care of yourselves🖤