Couldn't sleep at all last night, which is a normal thing for me but for whatever reason this time it just felt almost unbearable and just never-ending. It's only 5:45am at the moment and I already feel like it's just going to be one of 'those' days, you know?

If i'm being honest- I loathe my Birthday. It's never been a day of happiness or warmth it's just...there, lurking with pain and darkness. The only time I liked my birthday was because my dog (her name was Spicegirl) also happened to have the same Birthday as me (she also had a twin, named Sugarboy but he sadly passed a long time ago after he got really sick...). She passed away back in 2017 (she was 17years old) and I felt like I lost my twin flame. she was always there for me, I was in and out of the hospitals alot, or at home....I just have had a hard past and when she left this world I never felt the same.

she would've been 21 years old today and my heart is feeling so heavy with her absence. 

I don't really have any friends or people I can talk with, I probably have only one person who I can truly talk to and sadly we aren't able to speak often. She did call me at midnight though to wish my a happy birthday, I'm blessed to have her in my life even if we can't talk often we do check in or send texts just to let the other know we miss and love them, y'know?

especially because of Covid-19, I've been completely cut off from the world. I haven't left this house at all in months and now it feels like I can't. My anxiety was hard before but now, it's all consuming. Even though three other people live in this house (my parents and my twin brother, he also isn't very fond of his birthday but unlike me he has friends to celebrate it with) I still feel so isolated, they are able to come and go -my brother is barely home anymore- and I'm just...exsisting. 

I don't know, I felt like I was about to explode so I thought i'd write it down I guess. I used to write so much, everyday and then I just couldn't. everything was to overwhelming...Though I have missed it so I'm glad I've been trying to get back into it with stories or just journaling. 

I think i'd be able to handle my "birthday" better if those around me didn't force it upon me and made me feel like I have to be happy about it, because I'm not, my mind is a destoryed battle ground and it's tiresome to wear a mask 24/7.

meh, I'll get through this day, I always do I guess. Some years are worse then others so I pray this year is neutral. 

Happy birthday to my beautiful, furry angel. I miss you so much and you are always in my heart and soul, this world is darker without you and I don't think I'll ever truly recover from losing you. Thank you for always being by my side my twin flame and I love you always. 🖤🖤