I dunno what title to give to this post...
When I was little, I went through negligence and physical/verbal abuse. Because of that I feel worthless.
It had me thinking up to this day "Am I not pretty enough to be loved?"
Whenever I thought about it, I feel like my life is indeed insignificant, I have nothing valuable to offer to my family and to the world.
I thought of suicide, I'd went for a few attempt with knife, but I don't have the guts to slice through the flesh. My coward self made me even more depressed, So I didn't touch my food.
"Something that is not pretty doesn't deserve to eat." I said to myself.
I was just 7 when this pop up in my head. Like a demon keep whispering next to my ears.
Even after 16 years have passed, and my family situation have calmed down... the thought still didn't go away.
I'm a food lover. I love good food. I do eat, that's how I'm still alive.
But whenever the memory get over my head, I would push the plate away. People around me would assume that I was just dieting, and I would just say yes to that. I'm sure a quiet kid in my family, but I'm known for my cheerfulness as well in my friends circles. I tried to keep it that way. So that if I died someday, they would remember me as a girl who always laugh and didn't suffer.
So what I'm trying to say is that...
I'm just trying to reach for help... I know it's a wrong platform to seek for help on something like this.
The thing is... I did open up once when I was ten, to my elementary school's counselor, but that adult killed my trust. I somehow got to know that he actually told my story to his colleagues, and they even laughed about it. I felt betrayed and keep everything to myself onwards. Which eating me slowly from the inside.
This would be the second time I talked about my childhood so 'openly' to strangers. Maybe I don't even need any help, what I need is an outlet to tell my story so that I can get the burden off my chest. my family is in better state now after all, it's like what happened back then is just a forgotten memory to them. I'm the only one who's still dwelling and hung up on the past that it's ruining my body and mental state.
I think it's time for a change...
Even if I don't feel loved, I at least want to start loving myself.
So if you do have any advice, please do tell me. I'd be very grateful ^ ^
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