I dunno what title to give to this post...

When I was little, I went through negligence and physical/verbal abuse. Because of that I feel worthless.

It had me thinking up to this day "Am I not pretty enough to be loved?"
Whenever I thought about it, I feel like my life is indeed insignificant, I have nothing valuable to offer to my family and to the world. 

I thought of suicide, I'd went for a few attempt with knife, but I don't have the guts to slice through the flesh. My coward self made me even more depressed, So I didn't touch my food. 

"Something that is not pretty doesn't deserve to eat." I said to myself. 
I was just 7 when this pop up in my head. Like a demon keep whispering next to my ears.

Even after 16 years have passed, and my family situation have calmed down... the thought still didn't go away. 

I'm a food lover. I love good food. I do eat, that's how I'm still alive.
But whenever the memory get over my head, I would push the plate away. People around me would assume that I was just dieting, and I would just say yes to that. I'm sure a quiet kid in my family, but I'm known for my cheerfulness as well in my friends circles. I tried to keep it that way. So that if I died someday, they would remember me as a girl who always laugh and didn't suffer.

 

So what I'm trying to say is that...

I'm just trying to reach for help... I know it's a wrong platform to seek for help on something like this.

The thing is... I did open up once when I was ten, to my elementary school's counselor, but that adult killed my trust. I somehow got to know that he actually told my story to his colleagues, and they even laughed about it. I felt betrayed and keep everything to myself onwards. Which eating me slowly from the inside.

This would be the second time I talked about my childhood so 'openly' to strangers. Maybe I don't even need any help, what I need is an outlet to tell my story so that I can get the burden off my chest. my family is in better state now after all, it's like what happened back then is just a forgotten memory to them. I'm the only one who's still dwelling and hung up on the past that it's ruining my body and mental state.

 

I think it's time for a change...

Even if I don't feel loved, I at least want to start loving myself.
So if you do have any advice, please do tell me. I'd be very grateful ^ ^

Comments

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Katalex_
#1
Heyy, thank you so much for sharing this stories.
You know, I went to professional help and it got worse when I still actively checking up. (I'm sorry for bad english, english is not my first language)
All I can sum up from what my doctor told me is that you have to accept that it was part of you, you had that bad part, and you can start by apologise to yourself and start to treat yourself better like when you like someone, you would do anything for them except it's for yourself.
Please don't give up, many people love you. I love you, you are worth it. You are the best thing that could ever happen to me.
You can do this!!
willscarlet
#2
You've been very brave to share your story; it's not always easy to lay everything out for other people to see, and you should be proud of yourself for that. I encourage you to seek assistance, like others have mentioned, that is professional. What the elementary counselor did was incredibly wrong, and you have more than every right to be angry with him. Though, don't let that experience turn you away from seeing someone.

Be kind to yourself. This year has been hard on people for many, many reasons. Treat yourself to the things you like, and don't feel guilty about it. Everyone needs a break once in a while. If you'd ever like to talk you can always reach out to me. I wish you the best.
draculasdaughter
#3
Hi, I saw that you are from Malaysia, so I searched for you a local suicide helpline, but probably there are more.
Please look for professional help, it would be better to go to a psychologist cabinet (it's nothing to be ashamed of), and if not, at least call a phone helpline, it might be an efficient help somehow.
Here is the link https://www.befrienders.org.my/favourite-links, you can google for Malaysia mental health helpline and search for more
Be strong, I wish you the best of health and only happiness!
sleepingprince
#4
Bubble had some great advice there. I think it's important for you to learn to accept your feelings instead of fighting against it . Once you accept and know the roots of the problem , you can slowly find ways to help prevent negative thoughts .

You're worthy just by being you . Just by being alive . Not by your accomplishment , looks , or anything that you can do or give . You never have to fit in society's standard . You are meant to fit in your own values .

Give yourself all the space , time and opportunity that you need. Go and seek for all the help and support if you need. There are many other healthy ways to channel your inner thought and feelings just like now , through writing , drawing , listening to music and etc . Spending more time with nature, doing fun activities might help . Remember that life is precious. Never give up . I will be cheering on your well being . Have a great day.