Hi, Douza here...

So I don't even have to check my Yongguk story to know I owe everyone an apology for not updating in ages. 

I'm pretty sure no one remembers that fanfic, and no one will read this, but I'm here anyway.

So... how to say this? 

Life happened. 

And I have to admit I'm not strong enough to handle it. 

I've been really busy, and lost, for the last..2 years? 3 years? more? I don't even know anymore. 

For the ones who don't know me, I'm still in university, and that has been rough to say the least. Studying a major that I don't really enjoy never helped, either. Add on top of that work, homesickness, my senior capstone project and other activities and voila! Welcome anxiety. 

I used to write to relieve stress. It still feels like that sometimes. I took a creative writing class last year and I really loved learning more about writing and actually writing things other than fanfics. A couple of months into that class though and my regrets started doubling, trippling even. Why was I never brave enough to major in English? Why didn't I have enough money to continue in my original major (not English, but something I love just as much)? Why am I not doing what I want? What am I doing with my life?

Writing suddenly started feeling like a burden, like a trigger. I started critisizing myself more and more until I couldn't even write anymore. It felt like all creativity was out of my system. I know I'm just being a hindrence to my own self, but I just can't help it. I feel like I don't deserve to be writing anymore. I also feel like those 2 hours I would spend writing a chapter should be spent doing other things, since I'm in such a rush all the time to meet due dates.

But anyways, living one day at once, trying to make ends meet, keep up with responsibilities etc... I know everyone else goes through this, but it doesn't make it any easier. I would be sitting just doing whatever then remember that I have to do this adulting thing forever and I just- 

I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it. It's just a lot and I need a break, but even when I'm not actually busy, I'd be feeling guilty about it. 

I realize this is no excuse for not writing. I hate starting something without finishing it. I decided to still keep the fanfic, because that's the only way to get myself to actually finish it...eventually. 

I just want to say I'm sorry. To you all, and to myself, too. I'm trying hard to manage my time better, so hopefully I will get back to writing soon.

I just can't promise anything at this point. 

I hope you understand. 

Till next time, I guess...

Douz12a.