I believe some people are destined to be alone.

And I don’t mean that in the sense of “you’re undesirable and unattractive, therefore unlovable and undeserving of a relationship”, but more so that some people are simply not created to be loving people.

I can’t imagine myself in a relationship, I find it an unrealistic picture. I don’t want to be alone, I enjoy friendships, but romantic attraction is something I don’t desire these days. I hate it when two of my friends date, as well, cause they'll unavoidably break up and the friendgroup would be broken up because of it. Whenever i meet someone new and it gets close to becoming something serious, I cut it off without much remorse. I used to care, but I stopped. I don’t care if I hurt someone, it’s their fault for becoming attached in such a short period of time. 

I get along great with my friends, be it male or female. I hate the hassle of getting to know someone and going out with them, it’s too much of a bother to tell them everything going on with me, knowing it’s bound to scare them off. I know my friends don’t care and are here for me, so I really don’t feel the need to meet someone new and tell them those things. It’s annoying, anyway. I hate having to relive my traumatic experiences over and over again, but I also feel obligated to tell them to justify my sometimes distant behaviour. When they don’t understand, I feel offended and hurt, and I see this as a sign that me opening up or venting will be a bother. 

I’m sure they try their best, but it’s not enough and it’s not wrong for me to say that. I can’t take backhanded support in times like this, nor can the other party handle being neglected and having to worry constantly. I’m bound in shackles by my mental issues and my uality. They tie me down and prevent me from meeting new people and keeping them around me.

I always make them leave eventually when I realize they’re not worth the time and effort, I guess.

There’s only one person I romantically desire, and I can’t get them back.

So I’m vowing to never fall in love again unless it's them. 

Every new person I meet, I try and compare them to them. 

And all that I end up realizing is that I made such a big mistake when I made them leave.

I hate myself for making them hate me,

Because they’re the only person I’ll ever be able to truly love.

I don’t want to fall in love anymore, it’s not the same if it’s not them. 

I just want them back.

They're the last person that made me feel loved.