My day started, woke up at 5 am, random thoughts are running wild in my head. These past days, I always question myself I am doing alright? I work as a teacher in a private institution, being paid with P13,500.00 a month less the required government contributions I usually have my take-home pay at 11k more or less 5.5k per cut off still quite a big amount you think? The institution is struggling to operate because of the pandemic, some of my co-teachers have lost their jobs. I am one of those lucky people to still have a job with his time of the pandemic. Currently, I am the only one with a stable job, when I say a stable job, I am expecting at least some amount every 15 and 30 of the months. But then again because of this pandemic, our salary was cut off by 25% by our institution I still have P10,400.00 per month less the gov’t contribution roughly 8k? 4k per 15 and 30.

My family is composed of 8 siblings and my parents, my brother (2^nd eldest after me) has a family of his own already with 2 kids. Right now, he doesn’t have any job to make it short, they are living under our wing. 10 + 3 = 13 people we need to feed. My father is a tricycle driver, with fewer passengers now, he barely has anything to bring at home.

My sister texted me earlier saying that our electricity bill is amounting to 2.3k my mother is irritable because she doesn’t have any money with her to buy food on our table.  Add the water bills.

Our work in the institution is getting heavier each day, I need to shoulder 5-grade levels need to do my other duties as well such as implementing activities, attending meetings online, accomplishing the tasks given to our department (I don’t’ have committee head right now) they expect me to do the job. I need to prepare lessons good for 1 month (4 lessons a week = 16 times 5 levels = 80 lessons in a month) I need to video record myself for the video lessons needed by the students and parents. I need to finish the infographics for the institution and other duties popping out of nowhere. I even ask myself sometimes. What’s my job description again? Hahaha. Did I mention that I don’t have a wifi connection at home? I’m using my phone (hotspot) therefore I need to buy load often. I usually spend at least 1k in a week because we need to attend online webinars and training.

I am the eldest child.

I am dreaming that someday, I’ll be able to buy our own house hoping to put up a small business, let my father rest from work. Be able to send my sibling to school and finish their education.

How much is my salary again?

From 13,500 less 25 % = P10, 400.00 less contributions =  more or less 8k

Sometimes I envy those people who can afford to sleep peacefully at night without thinking about bills etc.

I want to pursue further my studies, enroll in a master’s degree program. Will this all be just a dream?

Hahahahaha I don’t know if I should cry, shout or just kill myself. Hahaha

I’m so tired… so tired…

I feel like I’m slowly dying from the inside… I feel helpless… I feel lifeless.