hello! 
if you came here thinking this was a recipe for preserved lemons, well, uh- you're lucky. i'll leave the recipe at the end of this blog. 

but the real reason i'm writing this is to tell you a talk i had with my mom as we made preserved lemons:
i have a brother. since young, we've always been compared. i would get better grades than him, and always have the best grades in my class for years. he didn't. i didn't care, he didn't either, but my mom did. 

i don't want to blame someone, but my relationship with my family turned bizarre.

we don't hate each other, we do love each other, but somehow- its wrong? the feeling. i'm not sure how to say, because we would always have our lunch by ourselves and then eat together in silent dinners. it's awkward, but sometimes we can laugh together. we would be okay and the next second we're arguing. 

i noticed this occured as we grew up, we, as in my brother and i. 

i guess that my parents started to be wary? of us, our future, or their future? i don't know. my brother would stress a lot as his grades wouldn't catch up with his effort, as i tried my best to maintain my grades and not have a mental breakdown for the pressure i received from my parents since youth.
they never verbally pressured me, but i know. kids know. even if the parents think they're hiding it well, we (children), can always tell. 

but lately this has gotten more and more evident. how my brother's frustration were hard to control, so he would break down and get angry. or how my parents verbally (verbally!!!! literally!!!) confronted my brother on how annoying and stressful he was. how he'd never succeed, how they didn't trust his future, or how they already losed all hope for him, right in front of his face.

and me, listening. not being to speak up. because, sh*t, i don't want my parents to unvalidate me too. and yes, i'm a coward. but on god, kids know how it feels to be disapproved by their own parents. i was scared sh*tless. i studied my *ss off in hopes to at least, at the very least, they wouldn't get disappointed when they saw my grades dropped by a 0,2. 

and now back to the lemons. 

i was sugaring the lemons while my dad and brother argued in the back, and my mom complaining on how my brother needs to fix his personality. how his life was routeless already, but she has me, and trusts me. and she knows i'll be a medic, or whatever she thinks i want to be.

but being completely honest mom, i don't ing know. please don't say things like you trust me and you know i'll get a good score to get to the best university. or that i'll lead your future as you downgrade your own son. please mom, please, don't love a child more than the other. because my brother knows, i'm sure he knows that you lost affection towards him, and i know, that you're loving me more than him. it doesn't only hurt my brother, but me as well. because i know what it is to be a child, and i know what it feels to have a parent. 

i don't want your half-hearted love. i don't want your words of care that you won't say to my brother. i don't want parents that i know will love less a child than the other one. and i don't want to be that favorite child,  cause i'm tired too. 

lemon preserved in sugar (1 jar) 

ingredients:

• 5 lemons 
• 500g of sugar (can be brown or white)
• baking soda
• salt 

1. place the lemons in a bowl with water and baking soda (around 2 teaspoons).
2. let it sit about 10 minutes.
3. wash the lemons with salt (use the salt as a scrub)
4. wash them again in hot water.
5. boil water and with the steam, clean throughly the jar you're going to store the lemons (please wash the jar, please).
6. slice the lemons in thin slices. 
7. put the lemons in a bowl and gradually add the sugar as you mix. it should be like a gooey-liquidy substance with lemon slices.
8. make sure that the jar is completely dry, then add the mixture to the jar.
9. cover it with plastic wrap and then the lid.
10. let it sit in room temperature for 1 day.
11. let it sit in the fridge for 2 days.
12. you're done! 

you add 2 spoons or 2 slices in a cup and mix it with water = ice tea!
3 spoons or 3 slices with carbonated water = lemonade!

you basically do whatever you want with them! enjoy!
(*you can use other sweetner alternatives like stevia or honey rather than sugar!)