yeah what a lame tryhard dramatic-but-failed piece of a title there...might as well have no title lol....

oh well....i guess i like to be flashy....here....just here...lol....and that was already the extremely refrained ver of flashy...fyi.

so yeah...lately i've been updating one story in aff diligently....but that was a nonstory story yknow....i always find satisfaction translating songs that i love...

but that doesn't really require writing...as in writing story...

and now i've been back at trying to write back...i've written a couple of paragraph....

but honestly....it feels really awkward....and it feels like i'm unable to really continue from where i left seamlessly....because i really like sitting down comfily in my characters' mind, heart, innerselves....and i've left the characters for long...and stayed just as myself....trying to go back to being them, feeling them, thinking like them...is really just....awkward.

i tried...but the words somehow didn't feel like they flowed as natural....or picked up with the exact tone/life from what have been written before i stopped writing it...

and it doesn't help that of all my countless of abandoned fics....i chose one of the more difficult ones with less of plot but more of the character's state of mind/thoughts as the central of the fic....as my comeback to writing piece....why? why didn't i choose something that'd be easier for me to continue? and because this fic focuses on a very 'elegant' character and personification of the character's mind....vocabulary and structure, matters...to describe what the character would say, rather than what i would say....this was one of my experimental works...which usually i do for fun and i'm aware would barely have reader even though not having reader is more common than just when writing experimental things, in my case lmao.

even though having written a few paragraphs, the more i write, the more uneasy and unconfident i get...and i wonder...why am i wasting time on this rather than using it to write my attempted writing for real publishing purpose(which most likely, nonfiction for now, even if my mind bursts with new fictional and nonfictional ideas every other days...so much that i ended up writing none lol)....is this an excuse? or a means of distraction? well....afterall...it's still writing...i'm going to try ignore and keep at it...

right now...i have two stories i'm really planning to go for it, as in...go back to write from where i left couple years back....even though that's like the scariest thing to do...starting a completely new fic would be wayyyy easier...

i guess i get the courage from some stories i've been randomly checking out the past few days, not the stories themselves....but the thing that goes behind...the authors' effort, determination, etc....and rewatching a drama(oh i do want to talk more about this....but then you might know which fics are the ones i'm continuing now....yikes....isn't that a big giveaway? i'll eventually talk about it....maybe after i manage to post update for a chapter of two, a fic or two)

you know...i guess what makes it difficult...is my love for experimenting and writing eccentric characters/plots when i couldn't even handle them....i feel like i was most able to write when i write those unambitious kind of characters/plots....people relatable to everyone...everyone common that is....like me...fics with those kinda minds are the fics i tend to be able to complete....try getting a little complex in the head or 'different'....then i get stuck at some point....take for example my early fics....amongst the ones i wrote earlier...i completed quite a few....but i got stuck with "She's cute." "No, she's annoying."  which was inspired by a freaking hilarious video everyone need to watch or their loss! (and this probly won't be the last time i post this video...it needs to be seen by as many people as possible....it's really thaaaat ....lol-worthy. the voiceover only made it a million times better xD)

The girl in the video was soooo lmao...and what good acting....i ended up finding out bout her to make her the titular character in the fic...but writing a weirdo centric story is obviously much harder...sure, many claim they're weird...but eh....how weird? and i can claim that too....but writing a weird character is different than being one....it's just much harder....bcuz what we presumed weird in ourselves might not be all that weird afterall...but what we see? well...same goes when i try to go for my other mysterious characters like in my monthly installed fics, Unlock the Devil Fourever, or Bug....characters that either requires major backstory(like Romeo in UTDF....which might be a fic with style of plot perhaps more common for other fanfic writers...but not really for me that i finally got drained and overwhelmed i couldn't continue it anymore)....or characters that just....filled with questions that i'm even unsure i have the answers(like Sungwook in Bug, and Haegeum in "She's cute." "No, she's annoying." )...writing fics with too many characters also drained me and help me get stuck for being overambitious lmao...like what happened with Love Coach Marriage Agency and Girly, Not Gay(well, this one's totally random story of bunch of idiots...without barely a legit plot...but in that sense it's ambitious...i guess lol)...of course, i have many incomplete fics due to them all being started on impulse and i just lost spark.

I feel that the most sucessful ones in terms of completion....were probly Mr Romantic & Miss Popular(like i said before, because it was based on tv reality show...writing it feels like playing guessing game with my readers who were very actively participating bcuz at the time i wrote it, the show was still being aired)...and the idols in the fic i guess, i tried to make them as relatable based on what we've seen of them, and Floral Rain(this one probably has the character i can relate to the most but not really at the same time...i mean, a lonely kid growing up with one new friend he made...and they depended on each other more than they thought....in a sense...i'm always alone...but i don't remember yearning so much for that connetion...or maybe i had forgotten if i ever had? lol...but for some reason i always felt so at home writing from Kevin's pov here) and After the Rain, Be Happy....my...probly first fic here? it was probly my least ambitious work....very much like every other typical fic maybe with a lil twist...about idols' love life and scandals erupted n got out of hand from little lies and jealousy....since it was my first...naturally i had more determination to complete it...

but i do have experimental work i manage to complete...well, More Than Words was about what goes in the minds of three mental patients that somehow are connected (indirectly) but it was written in such carefree first person pov way without no other backstory or explanation that i didn't expect to have even one reader since i doubt it even sounds like a decently legit comprehensible piece. in fact, i just wanted to write a fic with just my fav members of the group as main characters without thinking of a plot then.

anyway, i want to ask something about 'trigger warning' since i'm not sure what kinda content that needs to use it and whether mine would need to, because in a way it doesn't seem so but in another way, well...idk....but...i guess i'll try to update at least a chapter first before asking...

and you know what...

this post at this moment is already way longer than the update i'm actually working on..../facepalm/....

well, i better get back to uhhh...writing...lol.

let's hope it will really end up with an actual chapter update....

ok so for now, in order to be able to write i gotta get going...

(note: no, this is not their comeback song) btw, omg my coffeemuffin <333...even though kard's dynamics' have been going down the...hmm, path that makes me a little nervous/uncomfortable...but i guess that adds to the possible fanfic materials...anyway, now i suddenly feel like continuing to write my coffeemuffin's fic that never really started...but nah...i just...not enough drive/energy....idk...i feel like this comeback's overall a lil better than their previous 3 comebacks i'm no fan of...but they've been continously having this kinda tryhard vibe...i mean, i guess in kpop that's called charisma...but with the right amount it'd look more at home i guess and fierce. or could it be the makeups or idk....i feel like it's a shame oh nana was their predebut...i feel like that's the vibe that made kard stood out in the first place, other than being a mixed gender group....

they need another oh nana. and even the vibe/styling....chic, cool, modern, trendy without needing crazyass concepts or crazyass amount of dark makeups n constant smirking/scowling to look fierce so called. i appreciate them making their own music(well, bm)....but honestly speaking...their predebut era was the best...it was just wow after wow...they had really good producer...so why waste what they already had...

well...that's bout it for now...seeya later when i seeya (hopefully after i succeeded to post up an update instead of giving up halfway like the usual lol)