I'm sorry for bothering y'all, I'm just so trapped right now and I don't know what to do. I was so diappointed to myself. I ing messed up. Every. Damn. Time. To the point that I think I don't deserve what I have right now, my wonderful family. Maybe it's the fever talking 'cause I'm sick right now, and my amazing mother is here with me. She travelled all the way to me to take care of her ing useless daughter, and mind you, when we fight I always talk back at her, the guilt is eating me every time I reflect to my actions.

And then there's this big news I learned, well small for now but it's ing growing inside my cousin's stomach. When I learned that it was like I froze and don't know what to do, I'm so disappointed to myself, I was older and I should have protected her from the harsh world but instead I let her be. I ing let her suffer, I was so angry with her boyfriend and especially to myself. It was our last year in senior high school until we go to college, she had dreams, my cousin was a bright and lovely person and it just hurt me so much knowing I didn't took care of her better. I guess love really makes you do things. I'm a coward, I'm a ing coward, if this blows up I don't know how to face our family, I'm so ashamed I couldn't do anything to protect her. Just like what happened to my grandpa, ing cancer took his life, and the coward that I am spent my time just staring at him from outside his room. I was so afraid of seeing him slowly weakening, the supposed to be strong, healthy man I grew up was crumbling in front of our very eyes, I could still remember the way he joked and it was so serious you don't know if you'd laugh or just, not. Or the way he would reprimand us when we do something wrong, he was scary that we would shut up immediately, but we know he loves us so much even though he's not showing it, it was a feeling, a warm feeling and it shows in his eyes and that's enough for us to know. I just miss him so damn much, but I know my grandma misses him more. She's acting tough for us to not get worried about her, but we see her sometimes, crying. And that hurt more, I couldn't do anything.

But I guess I should stop this pitiful and ridiculous rant, you, yes you, thank you for reading^^ I was just really trapped in my thoughts that I wanted to let this all out, so thank you. And I'm sorry if this bothered you.