Depression

When I'm upset, I shut myself down. I have no motivation for anything. I tell myself that nobody cares even though I know some do. I think all the negative things I could possibly think of. I give myself the pain, thinking I deserve it. I'm not sure why I do that. But that's just how I am.

I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of trying, yes I'm smiling but inside I'm dying. You may think I'm using my depression as an excuse to get attention but trust me, I'll give everything, anything in my power just to function normally on a day to day basis.

Having depression isn't fun.

Depression is like living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.

If only you can read my mind...

you'd be in tears cause living my life is like living in hell. Cause no one understands you. No one bothers to ask you what you really feel inside. Cause they don't know how it feels like imprisoned inside a body that always empty.

And to those people who might cause me my pain....if one day you woke up and I'm gone cry, don't grieve, don't write or tell how much you loved me, because when I was alone in my darkest hour, you weren't there to stand beside me to make sure I'm okay. Don't say I was a wonderful person and wonder how people can be so cruel cause at some point you might be one of the reasons I took my life that night.

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VanillaSugarARMY #1 Feb 3, 2020 08:22:23

hi, i hope you can feel better soon. Honestly I can relate with the first part of your blog, I'm literally broken in two pieces right now, one wants just to be me, the me that I've never let anyone see. The other half just thinks it's safer to just do what my parents tell me too do.. But deep inside I know that if I don't follow my dream, I'll be left as a broken soul, filled with the regret of not taking the chance when I had it. Literally no one, no one, knows the true me. I wanna become an dancer/singer, but I don't know if I'm good enough. My parents say that dancing and singing are hobbies and they can't be professions because they don't know that that's what I wanna be. I'm really scared right now but I know that I'm eventually going to have to tell them before it's too late. I cry under the covers sometime because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't tell them. I feel that once my parents say it's okay to follow my dream, I can take on anything. I might not succeed but I'll at least not be filled with regret... Try to pick yourself up, do what you love and cheer yourself up. Maybe write a diary? A blog? You can send me a pm. I know that I don't know you yet but you're part of the aff family and we're always here for you. Even when I'm depressed, the things that keep me going and fighting are music and dance and singing... I listen to artists like bts whose lyrics remind me to not be afraid and to take chances. Bts inspires me, other artists inspire me. Maybe you could find someone who inspires you to pick up the pieces? find something you love to do that clears your mind? remember that your family and friends are there for you and they care about you :) hwaiting!

taengsic_89 #2 Feb 3, 2020 06:01:01

Hi,

Eventhough I don't know you at all, tbh, i feel you. Everything happens for a reason, live your life day by day, don't be harsh on yourself. Love your life :), think positive, don't think too much and always remember that God is always on you. We may not see him but he will always there for us, ready to listen and comfort us especially during our darkest days. Think outside the box, go out with friends, enjoy and learn about yourself more, do your thing sports or any recreational activities that makes you happy. :) Finally, pray for guidance. I hope I help you in my little way. :)