The warmth, the pondering, its ever-lasting grip knotted around a beating heart. Around your presence the knots unravel giving me the freedom to admire you whole. But what constituted as a crush? A feeling? The amount of time one takes, playing around with their last names, admiring a distant future with them. For me my crush forked two paths, a nomadic journey to get to the final destination, while the other left me in an oasis with no way out, the compass spinning endlessly, indicating no future ahead. For that is what I told myself. 

What makes you so exotic?, my body craving your lingering hands wrapping themselves around me, caressing me in the depths of the night, where the moonlight halos over us, your kisses getting lost in my flesh, keeping my fingers tightly wrapped around yours. Why is your stare, smile, laugh, and presence feel so foreign to me? No matter how many times you stare directly at me, do you see me? The real me? The one who hides the words, lodged deeply in , whose fearful of losing you. Your smile that could melt all the icebergs in Antarctica? Flooding my already consumed life, am I really ok drowning in my feelings? Will you toss me a life-saver if I admit my true feelings? Or will you leave me like Jack, while your the Rose to my Titanic film? 

His presence brings my head down while I wave at him. I smile, giggling to myself, stumble over my words, anticipating to bring out the right words, but you must know that already. For I see your head sink down in my presence as well, are we alike, two friends with 3 weeks left, until one of us has to say goodbye, forever. What if my heart dictates the mirage I painted, and you no longer view me as the friend, who admires your flaws, wants to cradle you when your alone, block you from the world that torments you. When you shove those feelings under the rug, I wish I could lift that rug, face those torments, and make your smile re-appear. They say love is about sacrifice, am I willing to sacrifice my all for you?

Could the silver dagger you hold, end me forever? When I look at you, glancing at your tall-frame, wild curly hair, your so self-consumed in that phone of yours, girls messaging endlessly, snapchats, facetime missed calls, I can’t believe for once I felt so utterly hurt, those girls blowing your phone, probably are anticipating the same hangouts we do. Playing pool in your dads house, us alone, laughing because my clumsy, non-pool player status, can’t hit the right balls, or you hovering over me, feeling the sweet scent of your cologne. Is it Versace? Chanel? CK? Whatever it is, I love it. Or when we play pokemon, you always choosing to play recklessly, or you beating me. For I don’t care of the outcome. Two people working in the same department, and a chance at fate waiting for the same game that midnight release. 

Was it really you that day? 

The first time you asked for my number.

The first time we exchanged text messages.

Re-reading them, sometimes even eager to read them.

How about the times we spend four hours on facetime, you stumbling over your words, “You have my full attention, J.” my heart leaping like a magikarp who only knows splash. But with the right love and care, I can be the shiny gyrados, rare and wonderful, a perfect addition to your team.

As I sit here typing my feelings, I await your texts, anticipating tonight's plan. I have three weeks left with you, I hope in that time, I could truly hug you, admire you up close, feeling your arms hugging me back, all I know is the moment I see you board that plane. I will ponder, ponder if my feels reached you. 

It’s almost time for us to say farewell, but goodbyes aren’t forever right? 

For whatever the outcome is, you’ve made my heart beat for the first time, I think this is what love is suppose to feel, maybe if my karma was better would we be together? What if our zodiac signs were compatible then? If the cosmos aligned right?  

Dear heart forget it. Please don’t deceive me into oblivion, mind please strong for the two of us, hands please don’t reach out no longer. Legs, stop chasing after him. Eyes, please don’t be blinded anymore. Ears, stop imagining words, lastly nose please erase his blissful scent. 

Goodbye Xavier.