2019 was such a ty year, it started quite well. I mean I had a big group of supportive friends until I learnt they were all hypocrite and to sum up the problematic little group within the big group didn't like me because I guess I wasn't edgy or cool enough for me to hang out with them, we were in senior year at that time *clownface* 

And because by the end of the school year I wanted to distance myself from people I knew I couldn't conect with or didn't want to pretend to be friendly with them, I gradually lose a good amount of friends. I'm not saying I was an angel, I responded to backstabbing with even more backstabbing like any immature person would but at some point, one didn't understand why I wanted to distance myself when the year in college started and that one person was being clingy as she was scared of being alone in a course she chose by default although I talked to her about me needing space and she didn't picked up that if I didn't want to see her outside class I wouldn't want to spend time with her during class too. Then a lot escalated, like her friends making indirects on twitter or insulting me because apparently I'm not fair and "my reasons are close to zero" but also I'm "stupid" (Actually there's no word in english for me to translate it from my language but it's way more insulting than just stupid).

Aside being blamed from things that were not of my resort ahah, sorry if MY friends did not invite you because we were in conflict, especially when I didn' thave to speak to them at first.

Also two of my (ex-) friends used me to save their asses when they couldn't face the consequences of their words (basically they didn't want to be friend with someone and due to an event I told that someone's friend why they didn't invite them and naturally, the word got to that someone's ears although I'm not a saint, I still have a good memory and what I repeated wasn't distorted at all I even said less than what was said in the first place because it was hurtful. But the two still said I distorted their words and 2 months later after that , they clowned themselves as they pratically confirmed what I said in the first place. My sentences are so confusing omg

NOW, I feel so tired mentally, the friends that I have left don't really seek for me, and when I do (and trust me I do a lot) it doesn't feel enthousiastic. And now it's holidays and I have literally nothing to look forward to and right when I wake up I just want to cry but can't I don't want anyone to hear me and I can't even calm myself down with music bc my earphones are broken. 

Actually I'm sick that I was kept being told to express myself and speak up but when I do, we tell me I'm overreacting/overthinking then why would I feel like that ever? Should I just bottle up my emotions until I explode for the most insignificant thing? 

I tried taking a break from social media but I feel like if I don't keep up with others, they'll forget me or it would be me seeking attention by not responding or just me being selfish. Thruthfully I have no idea if this helps me or not, internet keep me entertained from my thoughts and this would not lead to mental breakdown during while I'm making mistakes but I feel slightly relieve not having to think about my phone and who I'm going to hurt if I'm not replying