I've been doing well since August.
I haven't posted here since then because something changed, and I had so much strength again. I felt like the life came back into my eyes, like there was some warmth in my cold heart after so long of just feeling empty and desolate.
But recently depression has been resurfacing in me, like something hidden in the deepest depths of an ocean it's come to the surface unexpectedly. A monster that never truly dies.
I'm sitting here in my room now, feeling weak.
And I laugh quietly to myself. You should see my instagram profile.. it looks so happy. I've become too good at concealing everything behind a mask.
My posts look happy, my story looks like I'm having a great day.
I smile on my Instagram post.
I cry in real life.
I spend the day with my friend on my Instagram post.
She says cruel things to me in real life.
Why do we keep up such a fake appearance? It's tiresome..
I thought that trying to have fun with my friends might help me feel better. I'm actually trying really hard to overcome my depression and other mental health issues. Some moments are just not as good as others... and I have to admit I'm weak.. I'm weak right now..
On Halloween night I was alone, so I posted on my Instagram story and asked if anyone wanted to hang out. One of my friends answered and said invited me to go to a club with her.
I already felt sad and stressed at that moment, but the idea of going out to the club seemed nice. I put on my costume makeup and went to my friend's apartment.
After I got there I bought drinks and food for us. I asked her when we were going to the club more than once, but she kept saying "I don't know" or "I don't have a costume"
I felt a bit disappointed then, but then after we had been drinking for a while she told me that she wanted to go to the club with her other friends but that those friends didn't answer her messages
So she invited me since no one else was going with her.. and then she said
"I lost my mood since my friend isn't coming. Let's just stay at my house."
Maybe it seems like I'm overreacting, but I felt hurt then. She only invited me because no one else would come, and then after I bought food and drinks for us she admitted that she didn't even want to go to the club if it was just with me.
Some other things happened that ended up making me feel bad also. So I drank an entire bottle of vodka by myself, and then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
Moments like that make me feel like I'm not really close with anybody. I realize I'm not important to my friends.. I'm not important to the people around me, even if they're important to me.
I only felt worse as the night went on, so I just went to sleep there.
I woke up this morning and I still felt bad. I cried again, and then I regained my composure enough to face people. My friend was already gone at work when I woke up luckily, so I didn't have to see her.
I was falling apart on the inside all day today, but I kept up a brave face anyway. I smiled anyway. I was social, I made everything look good.
But my heart was crying in pain..
It's funny how perfect you can make things look when you're really screaming on the inside.
I'm screaming for someone to hear me when I need help
Sometimes I wish I could plead for something to save me, but the words get stuck in my throat, and I don't speak them out loud.
I don't ask for help directly..
I worry that if I admit how weak I am that people will think I'm just saying it to receive sympathy. People aren't understanding of depression..
So it's difficult to speak about my problems.
I'm trying my best to overcome this though..
I'm really trying hard...