tired...

...of crying.

yet it doesn't feel so bad. when you're crying for something that felt deserving. yknow...i'm never one to easily cry. when people around me cry for sad scenes in movie/drama i'd just....yeah, awkward there.

but eversince mom's passing...it becomes so easy for me to shed tears.

today...to hmm, sort of avoid feeling depressed of my current state...i actively watched tv...lol. bad move. earlier today, there's family themed hindi movie abt the importance of family/parents' love. hindi movies are some of my fav family bonding time session...the stories aren't always my taste....but it just feels like the kind of stuff that fits a family bonding time. back then, whenever mom seems to settle down in front of tv...i'd hurried to the kitchen to make tea for the house cuz it felt warmer that way.

today, i was watching alone. a movie about family. awkward much.

the good time felt so...far away. it's odd....i don't feel like my life will ever feel like...yknow...alive, meaningful anymore...yet i'm scared to die too...bcuz well...my parents left after having gone through their life tests, challenges, sufferings...and they both had obvious good endings...but me...wanting to leave now....means doom. i want to leave when i'll be deemed worthy enough for heaven. and that's something i'll never know...and don't even have the right to demand...bcuz it all depends on my effort...n i'm not sure i'm making much...

wow...my aunts have just lost their mother too....i wonder if they think of morbid thoughts everyday like me...then again, i'm just thinking of future that's probly not even that far away....i've seen, heard, gone through so many deaths that it's no longer a taboo....it's something that will come...whether you like it or not....and whether you're prepared or not...most likely...it'll come when you're not prepared of course...

and just now...i was watching a local drama for raya...that is tomorrow...celebrations are something i dread....even back then....i'm not big on meeting the relatives that don't really care for you when you're in bad condition but will judge you, and when you're doing good some would even try to bring you down...back then, i'd sometimes/well most time....avoid meeting the relatives...

but now...with our parents out of the picture....it's not that easy to avoid...especially when i know some of our aunts are still worried of us. and also, i feel responsible to not mess up or at least let them know that i mess up....for my parents' sake yknow...

so the local drama was again, about mother's unconditional love n faith and acceptance to God's challenge...and ya bet i teared up again...

these dramas are not good, lol.

actually...maybe it's just me...i wished i had cried more when mom was around....she always said anyway, that God prefers those who cry more than those who laugh a lot in life...

of course, the tears better have legit reasons and not for some random stupid reasons needless to say huh...

nowadays even when i meet old ahjummas on the street or at bus stop....and had little chats with them...i'd feel like tearing up....they just remind me of mom...

maybe because it hasn't been a year...or maybe bcuz i can still use this excuse now...

when dad left many years ago...it didn't felt like much was changing...we remembered him dearly...but it didn't wrecked us...i guess...that shows just how big of a space my mom owns that just losing her alone made the house turned from full to empty...

anyway....you'll get tired of this i'm sure...but hey...i probly won't haa

which is why i need to get my hands on a new job again asap and just....get busy...though honestly i like my free time too...ahh..idk....human's indecisiveness...

first...tomorrow...i'll have to go through the suffering of going for family celebration/gathering...which idk why we still need to have considering our grandparents are no longer around too...lol....(un)lucky for me....i have an aunt who loves upholding n following family traditions no matter what...i feel like when she's no longer around....then our family will no longer be binded by anything...although i'm not sure if that'll be a good thing or not...still, i wish her to live a little longer, she has suffered too and it's time to enjoy life a bit...

meanwhile...i have a lifetime(which idk how long) to reflect, try improve...to find again what would make life felt worth living, other than preparing for afterlife...

there's one thing i still haven't manage to get myself to start doing...

i've told mom that i'd write her life story one day...and she was cool with it...i mean even if it was just one of our many small talks and i knew mom often changed her mind about things...she was wronged by so many people in so many ways in her lifetime...and even though it pissed me off everytime...she was such a nice person...the world didn't deserve her anyway....especially those people...

idk if i'll ever find the courage to write about that....or if i'll manage to gather all the stories...since i can no longer refer her for fact checks....but who knows...

since long ago...i have my dream of seeing my writing published as a book....who knows....i'm too lazy and weak willed...but maybe i'll manage to make that one dream happen...

just that right now...i'm more worried about misrepresenting my parents, so getting a new job asap to conform to society's standard and perception is my short term priority...i need to feel at ease about my own situation first...

and i'll try to set a day out with my sis next week maybe....hopefully she'll have time...going out with her on a drive n eating a ton of fastfood at our fav location for a short getaway might help make me feel better...maybe....

i also wanted to write fanfics again...it definitely will distract me from the real world...actually it might distract me too much since i get immersed a lil much in my characters ...when right now...i'm the only one who can keep me on my toes and being too distracted...i'm not sure if i can afford it...i need to stay wide awake in reality so i can move forward...

ahh....trying to be the adult you're supposed to have been for many years already sure is tiring...

appreciate your parents who are still around to set you straight when you still have them....rather than complaining all the time like brats...seriously whenever i see comments calling this idol n that idol 'my parents' or god or whatever....the cringe/cursing that goes inside my head are no joke...oh if you only know...

 

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sleepingprince
#1
I'm sorry for your loss. Give yourself some time .