so yeah what the title said.

i lost.

my job. 

lol.

i was sick right at the beginning, but i tried to satisfy them and after 1 day mc....tried to get back on track....but they keep rushing every newbie to be fast n to not make any mistake when all information of things happening were all over the place and help were scarce and they kept threatening us that if we slacked off or took more mc(our health bedamned it's our own responsibility as they said whatever the fcuk that meant) we won't be getting our pay...so...i was trying to held it all together...but my health were getting worse and worse...i was getting major anxiety that it felt my chest would burst at any minute probly due to the high stress for everything to be settled in short time, no mistake, not even a short break we're supposed to be entitled for at work...but continuously work just because they had insufficient manpower...added to my health state....

so i made the decision on impulse....for the nth time being the short sighted me....

i just decided to leave, and lost my job.

one of my greatest fears, yet it just felt unworthy for me to try holding on longer.

and worse is that i feel anxiety to make this decision too, maybe bcuz it's quite a big company, and my pay was quite fancy(though now it's clear at what cost does that pay comes) ...what if it's a mistake?....because...i'm used to discuss everything with my mom, get a second, wiser opinion...to feel reassured....yeah my mistake for my lack of decision making ability...

i tried to imagine...i feel she'd be disappointed but she'd support me leaving...maybe....i could even picture her buying great breakfast and then call me bcuz that's what we always do together at home....eating together, watching tv, talking...whenever i had no job....so it'd feel like i wasn't completely worthless....because i could be a company for her....but now that she's no longer around....there's just me, my anxiety and fear, my guilt/conscience, my still not recovered self, and this massive endless field of loneliness wherever i turn to, engulfing me.

maybe things were too good for me when she's here.

i miss her, again.

i don't think i'll ever be able to stop missing her.

they say time heals...but i honestly don't think there's anything to heal the pain of missing your mom whom you had lost forever, especially when she's also your only friend you talk to about everything and spend all free time with.

well, there's my sister. but she's working and have her own life too. not like i can expect to see her everyday....it's good enough she still came home on her off days to look after me and actually tried to help me with my decision making....she could never be as comforting as my mom would but i do appreciate that she tried to get me into perspectives, though she's back to her place now that it's over.

soon enough she'll get married and leave me for good too to focus on her new family...

oh well...i need to get myself together...

and try to recover fast(hopefully there's nothing too serious i don't know of yet)

and find a new job again.

probly that's the only way i could lose this anxiety of being jobless again.

idk...

back then...my happy goal was just to spend time with my mom and sis...they're my only best friends that won't turn their backs on me...the only people i could talk to, honestly and freely...

now it's just me with my inner battles...

maybe...this is what growing up really is....maybe only now, i am forced to really grow up.

idk...

i just hope tomorrow and the coming days...things will get better, and i will feel better....because right now, today...i feel extremely unsure of myself....and that's the worst.