You know it's like, urm, a quarter life crisis?

Oh hello dear, yes I am that old. Sad. But true.

I don't know but this comes to me lately. Let me re-phrase that. It came like long time ago, just me pretending that I didn't get affected.

The thing is, I am single, not so independent, but stubborn enough to do everything by myself when I know I couldn't even watch a horror movie alone, stood on higher place, or even stay at dark places. Yes. I am a coward. But here I did everything by myself, alone.

Long before when I have a boyfriend, I depend on him so much. Not that toxic, just enough reason when I need morale support or something like that. I used to ditch him, not like a , just doing anything by myself. I love being alone, but once again, I have this low self-esteem. It is worse when I broke up, because the major reason was because he made me vunerable. He made me realize my position where I couldn't do anything right. It . Mind my language. I hate him so much but I already passed the term so it's okay. We were once in love and I don't like having grudge on someone and yes I am alright right now.

The thing is. What was left, is that low self-esteem. I believe I couldn't do anything alright, no skill, no friends, no anything. Damn.

I have friends those are loyal to me, but because one or another, we keep our distance. I tried to pretend it was nothing, that we are still good friends and we are good. But, I think I have enough already.

I want to tell my friends how wrong they treat me, I want to yell at them that THIS time, I need help. I need them. I don't know. Support, anything? I couldn't do anything alone and I thought it is only normal if they realize how loud I am asking for help, right?

But it turned out, I am too afraid with the result. If I told them, I am afraid that I would be alone all over again. I am too afraid to be alone but look at me right now, posting my worries on the blog that nobody would know my identity. I am too afraid to be alone but when I am with them, I still feel alone. Being alone in a crowded is a big no.

I started to think, maybe my ex is right. Maybe he is right that I was bad in keeping someone. He is right about me being egoistic thus I couldn't have friends. Do my friends are fake? Or am I faking myself to be their friends? Or it is just my mind trying to ruin me? I am just.. I don't know. I really need to sort this out.

Just because I am tired to be blamed, I think I need to add the reason why I broke up. My ex has a lot of friends who tried to be friend with me but failed. Sad. Am I that bad?

Later on he took a group photo with THOSE said friend with his EX (yes you read it right, his ex is his good friend back then), didn't even tell me and because the rest of the group are couple (me not included to the photo because of personal reason (I mean, you seriously didn't want to take a pic with people who said that THEY TRIED to be closed to me but failed, right? Or is it just me?)). So yeah, they are so close and I was like, excuse me, who is your actual girlfriend at that time? And voila, we broke up.

My friends are so nice that they even asked me to hang out at that time. The main reason why I know that my friends are nice just stupid sometimes. Just because I did everything by myself they think that I am strong enough but well, I have just told you that I am just a coward.

This would be fine if I could just pretend that is okay. The thing is. I cried almost every night without any particular reason. I believe it is my panic, or I don't know, anything? Thinking that I couldn't do anything right plus nobody is there to say that I am alright. I messed up with my own mind.

Quarter life crisis? More like identity crisis. Ha.ha. Please put sarcasm here :") . AND THANK YOU FOR READING THIS NONSENSE. :"))