Oh boy.

I just had a bit of a realization today. This post is gonna be a disorganized mess, so just hang in there.

Yesterday was July 4th, and in the United States, it's considered the country's "birthday". So, it's a day of celebration, parades, parties, etc. (There were a lot of reasons to not celebrate this year, bit I'm not gonna bring politics into this post) Fireworks are also a staple of the holiday, often the final spectacle of the evening.

That being said, I was hanging out with some friends at a party I was invited to. My two best friends were there, and we were at one of my friend's coworker's house. Also there was this guy I've been taking to. We had already established that we're just friends for now (a couple of get togethers ago), which is fine. The last time we hung out, however, things were a little...different. He (let's call him S) was a lot more relaxed, carefree, and I guess joking/playful. There was more banter/joking/flirting, and I thought that he was starting to consider something more than friendship but was too shy to say anything. Fine.

So, what did my clown do? I invited him to this party with me. He accepted, and we all ended up having a great time! S got along great with my friends, and we ended up staying out together for, like, 8 hours. In that time period, S was in a rather joking/fun mood again, which was great in my opinion. I respected that we were technically still friends, so I didn't push anything. A little flirting never killed anyone, right?

Anyway, we all ended up going to watch the fireworks outside, and almost everyone who was left at that point was a couple. S and I obviously weren't, however, and that's when things started getting to my head. I obviously still kinda like this guy, but I don't wanna ruin our friendship.

This is where my initial thoughts become relevant. So, as we're watching the fireworks in silence, I start to think of potential scenes for my ships/fanfics, and that's when it kinda hits me. I write fanfics to fill the empty romantic/emotional void I have in my life right now. I know that may sound rather obvious or ridiculous, but I never really wanted to face the facts. When I was in a relationship for 2 years, I hardly wrote fics... Because I had no emotional void. I had someone to be my other half of our "ship". It freaked me out a bit because I realized that S still wasn't ready/willing to take things further, and it really crushed me, honestly. I had gotten so far in accepting that we would be friends and that was 100% okay, but after tonight, all that progress seems to be gone. Plus, the whole fanfic thing really got to my head. It made me realize how lonely I am.

I'm all for the notion that you can be perfectly happy without a significant other, but accepting that fact while also wanting to be with someone isn't easy. Plus, the whole writing fanfic as a coping mechanism probably isn't the best thing.

All in all... This is making me wonder if, deep down, writing fanfic is healthy for me. If it's worth hurting in real life for.

If you got through this post... Thoughts?