sometimes i feel like a puppet

 

sometimes i feel like a puppet.

since i'm a music major, i feel like even more pressure is put upon me to do well.  no one else in my extended family understands what i have to go through, nor do they make an effort to understand, because "who cares about classical music"?  i know what i have to do to get there, but i will admit: i'm super unmotivated sometimes.

 

my mom usually lectures me a lot, and it's never a calm lecture.  it's the kind of lecture that makes me feel really ty about myself.  i know she's just trying to motivate me to do better and push me, but it kinda hurts.

like, since i'm adopted, the fact that she said if she had a biological child, then they would be just as unstoppable and as passionate as her.  i know she kinda meant it as a joke, but it kinda really hurt.

it's just that when she pushes me to do better, i have this feeling that she's living vicariously through me.

and that i'm not really even living my life anymore.

my friend groups have always been controlled.  i can't really go out.  everything i do, i do for her.  my first concern is always "did i do well enough for mom?"

 

i recently just got back from hawaii, and i promised myself that i would get rid of the many sides of me, since i tend to be a chameleon.  and if people don't like me for who i am, then i don't need to focus on that.  

i'm going to find myself, and (as bts says) i'm going to speak myself.

 

sorry that ended up being extremely dramatic and all, but i wanted to put my thoughts down and organize my head.

 

congrats if you made it through this whole post!  here's a gif of my baby tae

- em

and another one XD

 

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MidnightOnyx #1
Aww honey, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Parents can be tough, I used to feel that way about my Dad, I still do in fact and he passed away over 10 yrs ago. Anything I did was never enough, he always pushed me harder and harder, which isn't necessarily bad, but if my best wasn't an A+, then for him, that wasn't enough, even if a B was what I was capable of and was my best, he was always like that. It was a constant worry if he was going to be happy or if I made him proud, that constant fear was really disheartening. Eventually it changed due to certain circumstances and I learned to accept myself for what I could do and what I was capable of, and learned it was enough.

Parents always want what's best for us and they sometimes go about it the wrong way it seems and puts more pressure than what someone is already feeling. Not everyone does things or responds to things the same way and I have to say the comment about a biological child would've hurt me too, joke or not.

Hang in there, keep doing your thing and your absolute best, you know exactly what that is. I'm always here if you need an ear!

PS. I LOVE classical music, I wish I could hear you play, I bet you sound amazing!
LayDZhang #2
Reading this makes me sad. Please cheer up! I hope you find yourself soon...and so you can speak for yourself and be acknowledged by your family.
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