Hi.

A little preface to this entry; this is about me and how I view a certain aspect of my life so far. There shouldn't be a lot, I'm not that old. But there's quite a few things that I wish didn't happen to me.

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5/10/19

I'm 20 years old this year. I've lived 2 decades, 7300+ days walking this Earth. Like every other child in a middle class family, I've fallen in love with anime, then with kdramas, then with kpop. There isn't a lot about me that sets me apart from the others my age. I might think a little more childishly, but another part of me is a bit too mature for my poor brain.

I guess the start of my problem can be left for another time, but living around 7300+ days on this Earth one day became scary. It might just be the emo phase creeping up on me, a little late perhaps, but I became afraid of life. No, it's not suicidal, not yet and not for a long time I hope. I became afraid of the unknown.

I know, there's a lot of other people with the same feelings, same thinking, same issues. I'm just one of them. Maybe it's because I'm estranged from social media, a little too introverted to make close enough friends to share my pain with. Some time along the way, I feared being alone.

Being alone, whether being alone sitting in a bustling cafe, or actually sitting with a group of people yet still feeling alone, I think I know too well. I think it got worse when I went off to live in dorm. My two roommates knew each other and there was no place left for me. That was okay, we didn't share a lot of similarities, they were too different for me to get along with anyway. A story for another time.

Let me describe my fear. I'm scared of the clock. Not that looking at it scares me, chronomentrophobia?, I think it's called. I'm scared that time is passing. It's a concept I can't wrap my head around. I can see that the hands of the clock are moving. If they are moving, that means that time is passing. The passage of time scares me. It began making my heart drop into my stomach every time I finish watching a show, doing some homework, doing anything that was time consuming. Did I spend my time well? Was I productive enough? I didn't waste my life away did I? Those words always swirling in my mind. 

At some point, I realized that it wasn't just the passage of time that scared me. It was spending this time alone that scared me. I have my family, I have my friends, but I couldn't reach out to them. They don't need to know that I'm hurting. It would only hurt them, worry them. At least I hope they would feel that way, if I ever told. Anxiety, OCD. 

One time, I broke down, just from watching a sad scene of a kdrama. A character died, and I didn't know what to do. My parents were with me then, I told them everything. I told them I can't handle death, I can't handle not knowing what comes next. A part of my pain. I haven't come to the revelation of being alone yet. They told me not to think about it, that there's nothing I can do about it. And I know that. I really tried to not let those thoughts consume me. Some times its just harder to keep them at bay.

Since then, I haven't told them anything. Their comfort didn't reassure me. I acted just like I did before I told them anything. Their attitude towards me didn't change. I'll admit, it kind of hurt when they didn't chase after that problem. But I was also grateful that I didn't have to bare my soul and sob about it again, wasting more precious time.

These days, those thoughts are extremely prominent. I'm wasting so much time thinking about it, I can't focus for long at school. Something happened, and I didn't like it.

It was just a normal day, walking from class to class, going to exercise at the gym, probably would have been fine. Mom texted asking if my sister wanted to go to a concert. My mom asked my sister if she wanted to attend a concert. At first I was just as happy, yay me, I get to go to a concert even if I don't know them well. It's expensive as hell, but she's letting both my sister and I go. But then I though about it. 

Didn't I ask to go to a concert a while back? I felt bitter. I've asked to go to kcon 2 years in a row, I asked to go to a BTS concert once. Both my mom and dad said no. Every time. Why would she let my sister go to her favorite idols' concert but not me? This is when being alone seeped in a little more. It wasn't a good day after all.

If my parents don't love me, who will? If my parents won't stay with me, who will I have left by my side? It was a far stretch, and maybe I was being a bit too emotional and maybe my hormones were just bringing out the worst in me. So I asked them, "So you 'offer' for her to go, but say no when I ask?" My sister dared to retort that she asked for it before mom offered it. But that doesn't help their case. Doesn't that mean, if my sister asks and they say yes, but if I ask they say no? What is this favoritism? I'm working so hard, a plane ride away from home, I'm taking more classes than I should, balancing a good workout into my schedule, I should be the daughter they should be the most proud of. I listened to their every word. My sister was behind by half a year despite being my twin. I felt it was really unfair.

Mom said nothing. She dared to upload a picture of the seats available for that concert in the chat room. I felt mad. Then dad finally answered, saying, "I'll definitely let you go to a BTS concert when the time comes. Do you want to go to kcon? When is it?" And that made me livid. I don't know why, I just felt really really mad.

I told him that it wasn't a matter of next time I get to go or not, its how he handled it. I didn't like it when he tried to patch things up by offering me "next time." He did that so many times before and I hated it every time. Every single time I want something, he says no but when either of my siblings ask for the same thing he says yes. Then when I ask why he did that he says next time. I wanted him to apologize, I wanted him to acknowledge me as the same as my sister. What a curve ball. If I can't even have the same standing as my twin, do I even have anything over my little sister? They already dote on the youngest, indulging in her every desire.

Up to this point it wasn't about the concerts anymore. I wanted to hear from my parents that they love me. I asked my dad later to tell me what I want to hear. It was a message and we have the read notification thingy on. He read it, and didn't reply. 

I feel so alone. I felt scared. I though maybe he's just trying to come up with a long speech to tell me what I want to hear, but its been over a day (now a week) and he hasn't said a thing to me. He hasn't even read the following messages I sent him. Was it wrong of me to ask why they wouldn't indulge in me? Was it my fault that they suddenly don't seem to love me anymore? Were they really going to leave me all alone? Is that why they let me study so far away from home? I didn't even want to study so far away. I wanted to stay right by them. I just wanted to make them proud. I never wanted to be alone. Middle child syndrome.

Is it because I'm not right there that they realize it's better with just one kid in the house? Did they not miss me? It must of been my emotions were overwhelming at the moment, but I couldn't tell them straight out that I was hurting. They are my parents, shouldn't they be able to tell if something is wrong? But it's okay.

I can take care of myself, I tell myself. I can do this thing called life alone. Only I see through these pair of eyes after all. But I feel so alone. And I'll get over it. I can give myself enough love I tell myself. But I can't at times and I want my parents to tell me that too. They are my parents, shouldn't they love me as the ones who brought me life? Never mind.

This isn't a one time thing, these situations happened before, I can retell them later. Just, this one happened now, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I got into the top research university in the country to please them. I study STEM to make them proud. I exercise just to watch my health so they don't have to worry. I gain achievements my twin can't achieve. What more do I have to do to secure their love and attention for me? 

What more do I have to do?

And then I have to move on. The clock is ticking, there is no time to dwell. So, starting a new slate, forget my past pain. How are you today?

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The diagnosis in the text are done by me, who knows if I really have those phobias and illnesses.