Thoughts That Keep Me Awake

Hello everyone,

I just thought I'd share some thoughts that have been on my mind for a quite a while. It's hard at times for me to blog, because I always wondering if sharing things like these .... I guess I wonder if someone will relate and possibly feel better knowing that they don't feel alone? Or, if it just sounds like I'm whining.

Spoiler alert, kids: even adults feel insecure.

I guess I sometimes come across as a lot more confident online than I am irl, but there are things that run through my mind while I'm trying to sleep. Things like my writing future, if it's possible, my future in the Kpop fandom, aff and irl kids and other things.

I wonder if I'll ever truly have a future in writing, mostly any chance in original fiction. It's something I've wanted to do since I was in 6th grade. However, I don't know if I truly have what it takes to do so, or if it's something I should give up on.

Then there's my followers. I have a tiny audience, mind you, one I'm more than grateful for, but I sometimes feel pressure from it. I've been told by people that they look up to me. I wonder, am I really someone they should see as a role model? I'm a married mother in her 30s who writes Kpop fanfiction, my high school "career" was terrible and I wasn't exactly a model teen. 

I have blogged about my age insecurity before, but I've kept it to friends only. That whole disaster started with me innocently googling "what do idols think of auntie and uncle fans?" I came across an Allkpop forum, and it wasn't pretty. There were a lot of people on there who said that Kpop fans in their 30s were pretty much gross weirdos who just basically want to teens. My heart sank and all I could think was if my readers found out my age, they would  probably turn on me and want me out of the fandom. I used to have an account on BTS Amino ( I forgot the password OTL), and I remember someone in the chat asked me my age. I panicked and left, but then I found a chat for older fans and after chatting with people on there a few hours, I started to feel better. But that insecurity hasn't completely gone away.

Funny how the things that bring me joy also bring me down at times. Of course, it doesn't help that in my head I'll have a good blog worked out, but the second I pop up the screen it all goes to hell and I blank out when I try to type it out.

I guess in the end, I do want to be someone my kids (friends and followers on here), can look up to, but I need to grow more as a person and a writer before I feel I can do so. It may sound egotistical (I hope not), but the main reason why I joined four years ago was because I wanted to encourage younger writers to write and not give up as I did. Three years ago I started my first story and my readers and friends are the reason why I keep going. Now I have a daughter, Rarity, who is almost two and I want to be a mother she can be proud of. Same goes for my two stepdaughters. 

You didn't run screaming? Well, um, then thank you for reading through my insane ramblings. 

To my friends, family (both irl and aff/Discord), and my subbies: I purple you!!!! <3

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