Read the TITLE already? Be ready for my life Drama

Here's an Introduction on me..I'm just a Normal 19 years old Hooman that have a CUTE height (hahaha), petite, tomboyish..And Attracted to GIRLS??

So, yeah I've been attracted to girls since I am still a little kid. I still remember my first crush when I was still in PreSchool (5-6 years old) and She was a GIRL

back then, of course..I was still innocent and dosen't even know what is "Crushing on someone" or "LOVE" 

I thought it was NORMAL..then as I grew up I still attracted to girls and crushing on them..in middle school, in high school, up until now..and I'm already in University. (LOL)

AS I grew up..when I was 15 years old..that was the POINT where I know that my feelings was NOT NORMAL. Because, at that age we're (as students) are exposed to this LOVE and bla bla..Human anatomy..reproduction..LGBTQ..bla bla..

and also, because at that age I was sent by my parent to study about our religion (Christian) and...do I have to explain more? You get it, I studied ALOT about the DO's and the DON'Ts

I really feel bad about my self..Kept thinking, WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY DO I LIKE GIRLS? AM I DISABLE? 

My parent..are really religious people..and of course They kept reminding me to take care of myself and don't do anything STUPID and againts our religion. My mother, told me how much she feel (hates it) seeing people being with the same gender and I noticed that she kept talking about that Topic these days with me (does she knows?). also, I cut my hair short (boy style) and mostly my outfits are bought in the female section but somehow, when I wear it..I will make it look as if it males'  .

Back to the story of me and my mother, Everytime she talks about it I kept quite..Hurting..thinking "How mom would react if she knows about me?" I'm SCARED...I really am and It is even scary that people around me are Homophobic..and if "something" happen as in they know ME..I won't have anybody to lean on..I can feel that my FAMILY won't accept me if they know the truth..(It's seems like that they would do that)

I-I just can't STOP this feeling..I've tried..I tried to LIKE boys? But, It just can't happen..I just kept falling for girls 

these days..It gets harder..

I'm now a University student and I stay in a GIRLS Hostel in the Campus..and YEAH, EVERYDAY I see girls..Walking here and there..also, when going to the bathroom? Oh yeah! I'm not gonna LIE it kills me it gets better when I see the Beautiful one. (HEY, I AM A ERT)

I feel LONELY...I feel like people will hate my if they know the real me. I kept pretending and acting as if I am a Straight person as if I am not Homoual. WHY you ask? BECAUSE I DO CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINKS ABOUT ME. You going to tell me to ignore?? Geezz..Typical advice does not work on me and also I have EGO

there's too much to tell to the point I can't even write it here...I just want to sleep and wake up and this is all a dream..that I was not even born