Okay

Um

Hi

So I don't know how to properly start this 

But I'll just say it the way it is and it's going to be chaotic so be prepared

At school, we have a programme which allows you to choose two courses to attend every Wednesday afternoon. We get off early for that, and it's compulsory. Last two years, I got into a Science and Robotics course which I ended up hating, but couldn't quit because it was on the government's funding and all that. It ended last year, thank god, and it takes up both sessions. So this year I finally got to choose my own courses.

We are also allowed to take BTEC last year. It's like a course where you learn skills, from different areas like Dance, or Creative Media and earn credit through that. There's a programme called Performing Arts which I wanted to take.

Performing Arts is really a sort of traditional performance (note: Cantonese opera) taught by an actual actress who is also a teacher at our school. In our first two years, we're required to take her class, and of course a lot of people ended up pissed because they didn't like it. 

But I did, and I realised after that, that I really really love it. I was afraid to actually pursue it, of course, because it has been a type of fantasy to me and it seemed overwhelming that I'm having lessons, let alone those courses. So I just stuck to my lessons for the time being.

In our second year, we can choose BTEC (for our third year). I submitted a resignation letter to quit my Science programme, and it was accepted at the end of my second year. However, the teacher I handed the letter to left, and somehow the records got messed up and I was forced to do the Science programme for my third year. 

Except I didn't intend to, because I really want to take Performing Arts. I was squeamish and didn't want to sign up for it in my second year, but I consulted a friend who was in the BTEC Performing Arts, and she's like oh go ahead it's fine. But again, because of the government funding and stuff, I couldn't quit.

Timeskip to year four, my current year. I'm finally free of the Science programme hell, and of course the first thing I do is apply for the traditional performance session on Wednesday. It's still taught by the same teacher and she still teaches the same skills, but there's a larger group of people and you don't get credit for it, and she doesn't pay as much attention to the students cause it's a larger group and like, just an interest programme.

I was hooked up immediately, and I found myself in love with the programme and the art again. Sure, the sessions were tough, but learning the art was extremely exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time, especially when I really really admire the teacher. I ended up being pretty good at it, and I'm like, second best in the group. There are two roles in general for Cantonese opera, the male and female role. I was playing the male role, and second best in it.

The best was another girl who actually did the programme last year and is attending official classes outside under the recommendation of our actress teacher. She left in the middle of the year to study in Australia, and somehow I was pressured to help the other girls (who aren't exactly enthusiastic about the whole ordeal) and basically got the full force of my teacher's fustration. (she was a male role actress as well, and because she had star students from BTEC and the programme before, she expected the best from us. My partner did lessons outside as well, and she told me how our teacher gave up on some of the other girls but she kept reprimanding me etc etc) 

Anyways. Our actress teacher usually has a performance for her students in August, where we actually get to put on the makeup and costumes. I was thrilled for that since I knew there's a performance from the other people in the programme, but this year she canceled it. :( (I was so looking forward to it but that's not the point; I got assigned to some performances as well anyways so it's fine)

Back to topic. So these Wednesday sessions, they end early for year four students because we have mocks at the end of March *sobs* and we won't have it anymore for the rest of the year. In Year Five, we only have the first session of this programme, and Cantonese Opera unfortunately falls in the second session.

And it's going to be my last session soon. I'm realising that and I'm getting really scared and afraid, because even though I'm supposedly the 'best' student the teacher didn't really pay attention to me (okay that sounds lame but true). She has a star student in Year Five, and someone she has her eyes on in Year Two (who, btw cannot sing or act properly) and of course being a Year Four student and not in the BTEC she might be assuming I'm not even going to bother

But like,,, I really really love it and I really want to continue doing this except it's really hard to find courses because they assume you're actually taking this art form on when you're an adult and they grill you for that. And honestly while I really love it I see it as an interest programme and not really something I would invest half my life in. I think the programme at my school is really perfect for me now and I want to continue so badly but circumstances don't allow and now I'm really scared and nervous

I also really really admire the teacher but I think she doesn't really give a fig so there's that.

sdlfkaskdfjalsfkjlsf idk what to dooooo I'm so scared for my last day of the programme I honestly think I might break down in tears because it's such a short time but it was so enjoyable and it was literally the best weeks of my life and taking that away from me is like taking drugs from a drug addict; I'm literally addicted to it because it's just so amazing and now I'm scared 

Btw, the programme still runs for the wednesdays i'm sitting for my mocks and study leaves, and I want to try and sneak to it but because there are two teachers and the other teacher who runs the admin part of stuff might not allow this and besides, i really need to pass my mocks so

(I also realise I've never wanted something so badly before - )