Hello.

As you saw for the start of 2019, I have barely active in here. Back at 2018, I was involved in accidents that causes me to sit down behind the scene for a while and freaking out with my life. My ribs are getting better and better each day passes. My elbow is still swollen and still hurts me but I had major medication prescribed for me to take them regularly.

The pain of the outer hurt has been healed quite fast. However, the pain of the inner hurt hasn't. I found myself growing panic, anxiety attack whenever I was sleeping. I get insomnia and I cried when I were on the transport. Sometimes, I sweat a lot in my sleeps and I swear the accident is keep replaying in my mind. I was so scared that it might happened again in my life. 

After the accident, I got offered for a new job. My dream job of course, if you guys wondering. I got an offer for an e-commerce website as a website developer and website admin. I always had a dream of working behind the scene while taking care the products when customer use my website to buy things. I thought I can be happy. But turn out, it didn't.

First day is still the worst. I was new to the field and get scolded repeatedly for not doing thing right. In my company, those workers aren't allowed to make ANY MISTAKES at all, which get me stress and fighting for endurance from yelling at other people as well. At my first day, I got scolded in group chat and I am seriously fighting myself from typing "I am new to this and yet, you scold me like I work here for ten years?!" but I didn't do so.

I wasn't happy. 

I worked for 8 hours per day. I wake up earlier in the morning to prepare myself. I wake up around 6 a.m. and goes to work at 7 in the morning since my work place is kind of far from my home. I don't get much sleep at night as I sleep earlier and found myself getting up at some odd time and staring at my ceiling without doing anything. 

In workplace, I found myself getting scared of making mistake. I heard the co-supervisor said to her other co-worker that she would like if any interns in there can do any mistakes and didn't avoid of helping them whenever they were short of hands. I just wanted to scream and told her that she is nothing but just a bull. I saw and hear by myself that she's ing scolded them and humiliated them in the groupchat whenever the interns are making mistake. 

The fact is, the company didn't want anyone to make mistakes.

Which is stupid because all of us are in the process of learning and what can you learn if you are not making mistakes? Even genius make mistakes. I remember making a mistake here and there and my boss keep sighing as he think I'm lame and stupid. I don't care. I am a human. I make mistakes as well. My mistakes didn't harm any lives as I remember. 

Aside from that, my boss keep budging me even in my weekend holiday and sometimes, it bothering me. Like I was supposed to have a rest on Sunday and he keep texting me "Hey, please finished this for me yea" or "Do this for my behalf. I'm going to check this on Monday before 5 p.m." and I don't have the gut to say no. Whenever my co-workers needs help, I will extend my hands out for her to help her as well. 

Whenever I was at home, I just wanted to throw my smartphone to the wall and never getting one. But thinking that again, it might get me affected on the other day. I was so scared of receiving a message from my boss to be honest. Because if anything, he would tell me to do this for him, to do that as well, to-not-to-do-list and keep blabbering like an old woman where he's supposed to not to be. 

He told me to be creative and respect my look. And after I've done with it, he straightly rejects and saying my design is ugly and unprofessional. When I said I took his words as constructive critisim, he said "That's not a critism. That's an opinion" and I was like "Oh yeah. Sorry." I don't even know how many sorry I have been saying to him for the past month to be honest.

At night, I find myself cry and can't do anything to escaped from the reality. I was sad. 

The truth is I am unhappy with my life. 

I wanted to sit down in front of the computer, typing and plotting love stories mainly about Jessica (what's my baby doing rn? miss her sm), grinning like an idiot when reading the readers comment/critism/hate in the comment box, replying to them, upvoting them, chatting them... But right now, I just couldn't do one at the moment. I found myself back home with tired and aching shoulder and sleep at 10 and wake up at odd time. 

I think I had panic attack, some phase of earlier depression attack and anxiety. 

Dammit, I'm just unhappy and too scare to lived.