A year without Jonghyun

It's been a year without you.

One year against the five I got to live with you in my life.

One year against five years of laughter, tears and awe.

No, six years. You still inspire me. To this day.

Six years ago you changed my life for the better. One year ago you changed it once again. When you left this world to what I hope is a better place, I ended up in a worse place. Sure, time passed and I felt better after getting some professional help but god. Jonghyun. It's been a year without you and the 18th of december came back to haunt me like it will continue to do. Every year. Every year without you.

Last night I saw a photo of you. That was all it took. One single photo that I had seen a dozen times before and suddenly I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to scream but I didn't want my parents to hear me. So I held it back but it seems that made it worse and I... For a minute there I couldn't breathe. I had no choice but to run out to my mother because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't calm down. It was so scary. I got dizzy and as my mom held me I noticed how I slowly lost feeling in my legs. They began to tingle from loss of oxygen and I couldn't even stand up.

I'm not looking for pity or attention. I don't even believe anyone will read this. I wouldn't read it. I'm not interested in how anyone else is handling their grief so why would anyone read this? No, this is for me. I just write. That's what I do. It's what I've always done when things are tough. When my mom had cancer, when my grandpa died and... one year ago. I'm not even sure I'll post this. Maybe I'll delete it tomorrow. Maybe in a minute. Maybe never.

It's been a year without you.

I really try my best to be happy. Sometimes it's just too hard. But you know that, better than anyone. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to have days where you cry and stay at home. Wasn't that what you believed? Yeah. Even on this day I depend on you.

I guess you'll never know how much you mean to me. How much you break my heart and fill it up to the brim with love at the same time. How you inspire me both personality-wise and musically.

At the same time, I want to believe that you probably know. You know how much each and every one of us love you. You know how we're grieving and you know the impact you've had in our lives. You know that because you can see it now.

I'm not a religious person but I want to believe in something. I try. I don't think that the way I see life and death is appliable to you. I can't think that way about you. It would be too... empty. Too cold for someone as warm as you. You wouldn't fit in in that picture. No one but you could smash my views on life after death simply because it doesn't fit you. You're the only exception.

Five years and then one. Six years. Ten years of music. I never knew that ten years of music could become so... different. I listen to some songs for five years and then suddenly, one day, they change their meaning. Some songs that took me through some really rough patches and some songs I just simply enjoyed. They've all become... sad. Not sad the way that makes you cry. Just sad the way that makes you furrow your eyebrows and smile bitterly. The way that makes you think "we lost a genius", wether it be about your songwriting or your singing. Not gonna lie, even ringdingdong feels deeper, simply because your voice is in it.

It's been a year and it's not like I think about you all the time. I listen to your music and to SHINee's music and I see pictures of you or funny clips on youtube and I don't think "he's dead" or "he was depressed". That's not what I remember you by and it's not something that has engulfed my entire life.

But sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I need to cry and look at the moon.

Sometimes I need to write. I needed it now.

Because it's been a year without you.

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