365 days without your smile and melodious giggles.

 

365 days without your wisdom, open-mindedness, uplifting words, and passion that inspired the world.

 

365 days of suppressed gloom and emptiness.

 

365 days without your gentle soul, Jonghyun-ah.

 

365 days since you left us, since you left my fragile soul shattered, and as if there is something taken away from me.

 

365 days since you passed, yet the pain you left never did.

 

365 days since I had my regrets, my “what ifs,” my “if only I did,” my “I could have…” and up to this day, I admit those thoughts still haunt me.

 

365 days since it happened, yet I could tell I still haven’t fully moved on.

 

I cannot still see your pictures by accident without quickly scrolling the page down.

 

I cannot still watch your last two music videos after I viewed them once.

 

I have difficulty deciding if I should listen to your last album for the very first time, or I should not.

 

I refuse to watch SHINee’s recent music videos and listen to their music because I cannot accept I cannot hear your voice anymore.

 

I promised to continue watching over the other four, yet I cannot even click articles regarding them.

 

365 days since you left, 362 days since you were buried, yet your legacy still exists. Your memory still lives in us, in me.

 

How can I forget how I lived in the three years you served as an inspiration to me?

 

I wrote fics where you are the most ethereal human being alive.

 

I wrote poems and letters because of your beautiful self, inside and out.

 

I daydreamed of you, of us, of the things I may do if I see you on a fansign or anywhere.

 

I wanted to give you flowers, for you to see how they fall short of your beauty.

 

I wanted to kiss your hand, like the morning dew kissing the leaves in a spring day.

 

I wanted to learn Korean, to say words and give you letters with my awful accent and handwriting to let you know how much I am proud of you.

 

I wanted to tell you how I wish to see you happy, that you can marry anybody who makes your heart flutter.

 

I wished to see you again, closer than I did when I saw you that wonderful day.

 

But now, I can only sit down, sigh, and try to accept that you will never come back.

 

On the following days, I can only endure like I used to do.

 

To face every day with a fiery, passionate spirit.

 

To try to uplift myself from the times I am desolate.

 

To prevent myself from succumbing to the empty void inside me.

 

To convince myself to stay alive, to reach my dreams despite the mocking thoughts of my meaningless life.

 

Jonghyun, thank you. Thank you for being an inspiration to me. Thank you for all the wise and encouraging words you let the world hear. Thank you for the using your voice to speak out against the unfairness in this society. Thank you for making our sad days a little brighter with your music, your artistry, your laugh, your humor, your existence. Thank you for being a role model to me, teaching me how to dream and to strive for it. Thank you for giving me the courage to live on with life despite the darkness I am trying to fight each and every day.

 

Lastly, thank you for being Kim Jonghyun, for making a wayward, meaningless soul feel alive even once in her life. You did well. You did great. I am proud of you, my precious Jjongie. I love you, baby.