OS,AS.TWH,WWBO

2.4K blog ahead, no intention to harm anyone or feelings, didn't proof read so you may encounter some spell checks.

Friends Wanted me to be honest with myself and I am just doing that, love y'all I will see myself out, I don't have courage to read this myself zhsjsjsj me=wuss

*deep breathes*

Hmmm blog much awaited I have few questions I have to answer because I know I am being judged here and all. And I guess you all deserves some answers, you must have imagined me a mean person, who is selfish after reading few blogs I was mentioned in.

And please read the entire blog cause you won't understand until you read it all….I had to muster up lot of courage to write this *doesn't proofreads it like a pro*

(I may have have to edit adding some stuff...naw)

Here you go.

I will start from what people are assuming me etx.

To people who Think I am fake or two faced, something as if I pretend to care etc.

If only I had to switch off the feeling I would’ve long ago, it can't be helped when I worry about someone…. I am sorry I can't change myself even if I want to lmao level of pathetic-ness

To everyone who reads this

I want to share my experience and my true feelings and I am going to be brutally honest and want people to learn from me.... 

•Don't be afraid of accepting feelings like I did, just because i was afraid of break ups and was insecured... because it was too fast.

•wear seatbelts when you drive (out of topic)

•And Don't allow someone under too quick…. At Least if they do somehow sneak accept that…

•don't try scuba diving in bathroom (tch once again out of topic)

•And don't say sorry if it isn't your fault just Because you can't see them sad...

•And about forgiving…. Forgiving is a good quality but if you forgive anything without even a sorry, they assume you are easy going and you won't get make up sorries.

I forgave so many times, whether the issues were hella big or minor…. I was so easy ...stupid.

I was afraid to say “It's over”(felt that thrice) just because I don't want to hurt and leave them alone. I guess I was overthinking I should have just done it when people warned me about toxicity…. I wanted to hold them till they can leave me willingly.

I am bad at taking advices *rubs head* Maybe I.. didn't wanted to take ..low-key *hides*

I didn't had confidence to hurt them pulling out suddenly I know that would have hurt like , so I kept going.

I didn't had heart to leave them for people who asked me… why didn't I…. Maybe I just wanted to protect and not replace them in a go…. Cause I know my feelings won't change that easy….and I didn't wanted to hurt them moving on and replacing them.

But kept going back to him no matter what they did, I started feeling low for myself I started fighting with my own inner voices which reminded me how toxic it was getting. It was hard for them to understand why I didn't forgive them right away, hope they know now why.

This all created a inner hole for me…. unfulfilled, it was like I ignored the stuff they did for me just because my inner hole was empty and he wasn't even aware…. And it was my reflex…. I couldn't bring myself to forgive at first because 'reasons’ can't change anything…. (Like how it is now..)

When I tried explaining what it is…. They said I was being selfish…. And asked me to leave.

Yet …’sorry’ then I was back again.

I was being laughed at...lmao… I guess shame on me?

-Dont compromise when you can't just to make them happy, it gives wrong idea that you don't have feelings of your own….heck I dommed when I didn't want to, I was too soft to say 'no’

•Be open with your own feelings or your thoughts and answer can be neglected.

•And never never change your mind by getting used to something…. Remember gut feeling isn't wrong if you think about it closely.

The hole/emptiness in me created a persona who wanted to defend themselves…. So since I read personality I know what a person is capable of…. I know what are they limits and what all they can do, (unintentionally) to hurt me.

Maybe the reason I didn't trusted anyone….

The amount of time I argued or got scolded for taking their side or whatnot, I don't wanna count ... it's making me feel low for even thinking about it.

The hole is a unbalance I felt…. The reason I called him 'untrustworthy’ which I literally didn't mean, but I wanted to say they have capacity, they can finish all this within a snap...I wasn't wrong about (not their fault tbh they didn't had a choice...I am not blaming)

I did hurt him several times by not understanding him better.

This is what I wanted it, hurts but this is a feeling I can't explain…

I shouldn't have developed more feelings and shouldn't have changed my mind when all I wanted to be there as a good friend….... If only I could help it I would have….. I felt I would be safe by that fiskdkd I wasn't prepare tbh so much for over thinking maniac like me rofl.

And I genuinely wanted them to move on from me, cause it was painful to make them cry and I didn't even know what triggered… I pretended to be fine whenever we had arguments ...whenever I broke, I let go of his words and behavior keeping them bottled up saying 'It’s fine’…. just because...yesh ...didn't wanted them to feel bad about it…. Should I have told them?....

And….

I wasn't able to fill the gap, the holes that scarred them, I wasn't able to live with that grasp, I felt sad that I couldn't help them, internally making myself feel not suitable..they needed someone who could properly give what they wanted

Unlike me who is inexperienced in this case.

I hated being a trigger and none of us is to be blamed…

It's a sickening feeling of being a trigger to someone you love… there's a lump you can't even swallow it or spit it out.

I am glad I am not a trigger anymore ….

For what happened, I may say sorry and take it on me but I know I didn't do anything and he didn't do anything either a simple misunderstanding and we cracked, maybe that's what we needed a sincere break from each other. None of us at fault, it's circumstances.

And stuff like that can't be helped.

And this time I wasn't there this once for them like always to pull them back, guess everything happens for a reason……….

Some say it wouldn't have been this way if I showed myself and all, if any simple misunderstanding can crack us what would change if you or anyone see me? it was meant to happen cause we were never meant to be.

When I first met their bf, I figured they will be together, the amount of similarity shooked me. They were meant to be together a true ship, a true pair. And this guy is more capable and trust me I Ship them.

You may think I am hurt and all blah blah and I am faking it etc

But no I am not someone who gets jealous to see friends happy. Nope. That's not me.

And this person is really good and sweet if you get to know them so it's not their fault either they both are picture perfect.

I may had seemed a bit hurt (okay Don't emphasize 'bit’ lmao) or jealous but I think it's withdrawl syndrome dkkekdke It was too much to take it at a point, it's like the cloth who is being teared of brutally and all I had was threads to mourn about.

I was used to some stuff which I thought was safe for me…. When my gut feeling said ..no it's not safe… I literally stabbed myself getting carried away with my feelings.

If this makes any sense lmao 

I know, I deserve whatever is happening now because this is what I wanted right?

And about songs, yah chingus don't mention... I didn't wrote that songs even if I dedicated fjjskdkd it's fine they are just songs (my trap and nightcore recommendations ouch... ;_: ..jk jk...I will just stop checking xd uj ) I shouldn't mind it's their happy bubble…. Those songs for me will always mean the same, and I can't shift the emotions to anyone else...Because I don't want to..….I am not sorry for this.

^•^

I felt my identity have been taken from me, but I realised relationships aren't everything, even though docs aren't the first thing I do now...nor wait for pms clicking them quickly like how I used to….because I don't want to bother or disturb…..

My names, nicknames, everything…. I don't know if it's wrong to feel this way but someone angelic said it's fine to feel bad and I will adapt to it.

How should anyone feel being invisible within a snap? Not that it's wrong but...yeah I don't even know how should I feel.. why am I even writing this *dies* it's embarrassing af jesus christ.

Does this blog makes any sense? Jsjsjdd wtf  and I am not blaming ;_:

To ones who is upset at them for this, it's not their fault nor mine it's circumstances we couldn't help and there is practically nothing to mourn about, okay? I know how you all feel but it's my fault for trying to get used to toxicity I thought they would be safe this way.

And it's not his fault, he have all rights to do whatever he wants to soothe his heart, he is someone who deserves to be happy, no matter what I won't lose the respect I have for him. He have to be happy for who he is. Once you get to know them you will realize what I am trying to say when I say they deserve happiness.

To ones who think I may advance, nah bro I know my limits. I wouldn't even try, I am not someone who do that, and I won't change within days, so you don't have to feel insecure by me.

I do self blame because I want to end it, the pain of them, hurt … it was too much… to think how much I triggered them unintentionally it was paining me.

And writing this all out being brutally honest is a good feeling …. Keke

And I don't blame anyone honestly…. It's my stupidity to override my gut feeling, getting too comfortable not guarding myself when I clearly said no, not ready for being in a relationship so quick... I should have known better…. I did stabbed Myself lmao.

I just can't bring myself to blame, since I don't wanna start this again 'You were wrong’...'No you…’ what's the point in scratching the past you can't fix right? And whatever he is doing, I know he have reasons he won't do it intentionally just like that.

My good advisors (baes) told me to stay away from stuff like that, or things that can hurt me if I see. I will obey them this time… cause I have a limit too...

I finally... finally broke (Jesus why not earlier)

I thought I was invincible all this time lmaoo.

I don't have capacity to hang in there and pull through …. I am just 18 and learning but this all is making me stronger than I ever was…. And my strength won't make me break in front of people I don't want to, I don't wanna seem like emotional blackmailing xD so yeah.

If I don't show, doesn't mean I don't care. I prefer not showing because there are things I want to keep it to myself.

I did let it out yesterday to them but guess that wasn't enough my heart just want to keep on explaining myself.

I said no at first cause I wasn't ready and .. I am straight so that was very confusing.. …. Second time because I was scarred and wanted to be there as a friend (after first blow) didn't wanted them to leave anyone for me...but I fell more as I got to know them..., next I was scared of getting hurt again but unfortunately that couldn't be helped since it's unavoidable I was afraid of breakups and being abandoned….afraid that if I may end up trusting again...and what if it backfires to me?... I did all I could to not make it official (since I was hurt thrice by now...why didn't I walked away? ... I don't know) so that we don't come to a point where we had to break up in general, this was unavoidable too what was I thinking.???? ....and why did I let him continue when we weren't a thing …. Why didn't I said no? I will never know….

Kids learn from this *coughs like 80yr old*

You have no idea how much bad I felt when I slept when I was supposed to talk to them…. Couldn't control my sleep and made them wait :( I am sorry for hurting them but unintentional and unavoidable stuff….I genuinely am.

And the thing happened with Tae, I was being honest with her just talking to my best friend and before I could complete my conversation with her I passed out, and it was my fault and I thank her for being there tbh….

And one more time tweety baes, I am hella okay and not hurt don't worry, okay? Thanks for guiding me, you know who you are…. And All of you who missed my smol presence ~  And thank you for being there as pillars solid as mountain.

I promise to serve under you guys *bows* lmaooo never

And I appreciate that, so thank you to help me meet myself back again and helping me use this to make up strength.

It's not the end of the world eh?

Sincerely,

Minniee/MinMin /{insert real name}

Love you my family I promise to be there for you I don't how to repay but trust me you won my heart this time...whoever stood by me or cared I really appreciate that.

P.S:- I hope i created a balance jdjsjdjdnd and explained myself….

P.S.S:- Any ques about the blog or wanna oppose please pm me ;_: we can argue in pms I can't take it anymore sorry… it's my limit..

P.S.S.S:- *fans face* can we talk about Ant Man... exCUSe mE isksshsejs

*Dies* sorry for writing this T_T, god god b you for reading this, Thank you *hides under tortoise shell* this is my new home now.