I need to let off some steam because if I don't, I might just go crazy or depressed, or maybe crazy because of depression. 

So here's my story so far, I'm supposed to graduate with honors but didn't due to some unfortunate circumstances. My grades are more than enough, excellent even, but still, my efforts weren't recognized (how unlucky and unfortunate right?). I wasn't happy before graduation. I was thankful, yes, that finally, I'm graduating. One less burden is taken off from the family finances. But deep down inside, I don't feel excited at all. In fact, I felt absolutely scared before graduation day. After four grueling years of college, one would think a person would feel relief when they are about to finish the torments of school, but no. Not in my case. I was, and still am, absolutely terrified and helplessly falling into a state of melancholy that I can't even fully understand.

All because the next chapter of my life depends and rests upon whether I'd be awarded the Latin honor that I was so unfortunately "robbed" as I would like to call the circumstance. To put things into simpler perspectives, with Latin honors = Law school (immediately, no further questions) = next phase of life secured. Without Latin honors = no law school = life uncertain. Even before graduation, I know exactly what my future would be and because of that, I was scared to death.

Even so, I marched. I put on a happy facade for my family whom I know are all rooting for me. But I guess, as life usually goes, there would always be disappointments. The family whom I considered as my rock has now become the relentless storm that batters my life's existence. 

So now, fast forward, a month after graduation, here I am, unemployed, opting to take a certain government exam because I have to, because it's my responsibility to look after myself and make sure that I have all the eligibilities needed of a working individual. Originally, I plan to study further, but now I have to wait for a year, pass all the exams that I needed to before I could enroll in law school. Which totally because one year is a very loooooooooong time. To be honest with you, I don't want to work yet, but I have no choice but to look for a job because it's what's expected of me. To make myself useful, to earn money, and to not embarrass my family for not doing anything. So even with an unprepared heart and mind, I set myself to look for a job. 

BUT THEN WE ALL HAVE PRIORITIES. I have to take all the government exams first and then look for a job because taking those exams does not only mean that I'm an eligible member of the labor force, it also means that I can study even further and now with enough credentials. 

The sad part is that my family is really rubbing it onto my face that I am jobless, useless, and practically a burden. I mean, I do have other plans to you know, not only just to find work. Aside from the exams that I have to take, I also want to continue learning and I plan to take up a foreign language class, or maybe I could enroll in a master's degree program. I have a million thoughts running through my head now that my future plan has been hampered. I'm trying desperately to do something about my life right now, but no one seems to see it. 

To them, it's so easy to say that "So what are you waiting for? Why don't you have a job yet? This week, no tomorrow, you will start to find jobs. You have to start earning." Yes, as if I don't already know that. (Don't get me wrong here, I'm not some lazy couch potato whose only feeding off her parents' money. We may not be rich but we are also not struggling financially. My father can very well provide, more than enough, to us). What I'm saying is it's not that we are in dire need of money, what I think the situation is they've already put a price tag in my head. Right now, I'm not even worth a single penny, therefore I am useless. Which is half true, I am not worth a single penny right now, but I am not completely useless. Just because I'm not in school, I'm also sitting pretty and resting all the time at home, for I am not. I help in the workings of our house which is what we are in dire need of as of late.

I'm trying to take things one step at a time. Above all else, I hate uncertainty, and my current state right now screams nothing but. So I'm doing whatever I can to make my life position certain. I'm planning to take all the exams that I need, in fact, I'm filing my application tomorrow. I want to start my foreign language lessons, therefore I plan to go there the next day (with or without my mother), and if need be I would also enroll in a master's program because why not. (FYI I really love going to school and learning, and I feel like there is still so much more to learn and explore in the world of the academe before I enslave myself in our low wage earning labor force and make me old, unhappy, unwise, and narrowly informed).

I just hate it when people start to become too practical that they forget I'm a person too, I'm not some sort of commodity. I am a human being who can feel pain and disappointment and resentment. 

I feel pained because I feel like I've been robbed off of the future that I so desperately wanted and worked for. 

I feel disappointed in myself because, at the end of the day, it's no one's fault but mine.

I feel resentment because the frustration that I now have to myself and to my life can only be solved by no one but I alone. And it's always easier said than done, it always is.

All I'm asking really is their understanding. I've never been the hussle-from-one-point-to-another type of person. I hate rushing things that's why I plan, I work hard, and then I earn because that's the way to go for me, in an environment where I know I can control many aspects. But life is always full of surprises. Some things will go out of control and that's okay. I'm not completely lost. My plans may not be as solid, but I'm trying to make it work. I'm not even asking for your help, to me, understanding would mean so much more than help with underlying motives. 

Every single day I have these thoughts in my head. 

If I don't let it out I might just go crazy. 

No one may even read this, but it's okay. 

At least somehow, I put my thoughts into words.