I think I have always been self-conscious about my weight since I was a kiddo. I remember being around 8-11 years old and have family tell me what a chubby kid I was and would constantly poke fun at me- which lowered my self esteem at a young age. 

I look back at the photos and I wasn't that bad. I was probably 10-15lbs overweight- but it evened out once I went into middle school. 

In middle school, I began to plump back up again (or so I thought because family would say so) and then when 8th grade came around, I started taking gym more seriously and I began to notice that I was losing weight which boosted my self esteem greatly. 

Although I still thought I was fat, I began to try and hide myself. This is around the time when my social anxiety & hair pulling took its toll on me (I have both of those stories in my blog). Not only did I try to hide myself from the world, but I stopped taking photos with people.

Summer came before Freshman year of high school and I thinned out again.

I entered HS around 125lbs, wore a size 7/8 in pants.

High school was a time where everything went downhill for me. 

2009 was the year I discovered Takis and Chamoy. My local water-n-ice store sold it for about 1.25$; so I would get myself a small bag with chamoy and eat it on the way home- everyday.

I began to plump up.

By 2010, I began to wonder why I was 140 and why I was starting to feel restricted in size 10 pants. 

By 2011, I thought I was fat. My pants size went up to 14. I hated everything about my body. I hated that I was becoming more and more similar to jell-o and the Pillsburry DoughBoy. So, I went on a diet (practically a starvation diet). I would eat a plain salad at lunch, work out when I got home, have an orange, few grapes, and two liters of water and that would be dinner. I would work out again, and repeat. I ended up losing 20lbs in two weeks and I was so happy, but then I ended up stopping the diet once my mom was able to get her hours changed.

Summer, I binged ate and became a glutton.

I graduated in 2012, and graduation day; I was so embarassed. I barely fit into my cap and gown. 

Enter college:

When people say that you will gain weight your first year; your "freshman 15". It is not a joke. No one told me, I would gain 15, each semester. It didn't help with all the fast-food chains around the university. Why pay 12+$ for nasty cafeteria food when I get a ton of tacobell/panda/mcdonalds for cheaper? 

I left my community college, well over 200lbs/90+kg.

My heighest weight hit around 260lbs/117kg & pants size of 26.

This was the time where I had custody of my two cousins for a year. It was a really ty year and I went to food for comfort. My mom worked until 3-6am in the morning, so I had to feed myself and I found myself just eating to satisfy the pain I was dealing with. I also turned to smoking two bowls of hookah a night. (A hookah is suppose to be shared amongst a group of friends and a 45-60min smoke session is the equivalent of smoking a pack of cigerettes..... so I smoked two of those a day... I dont anymore, dont worry).

Food became a great part of my life; however it affected me negatively.

Now, I am no longer that heavy. I've been dieting and working out like crazy but I'm still not the same weight I was when I was in HS. I still deal with such horrible thoughts and images of myself.

I still refuse to take body photos with anyone.

I won't take photos with people unless I am controlling the camera.

I will not try on clothing because I hate knowing I look fat in everything.

I hate walking next to mirrors in clothing stores.

It just that I allowed myself to turn myself into such a person. I should haven't have lost control. I have a problem with binge eating and a lot of eating when Im bored, sad, lonely, mad, happy.

I've been trying to take care of my health a lot more this summer. I've lost 8 lbs since I've been home for the three weeks. I don't consider it a lot but its progress, a HEALTHY progress. I have a year left of university so I want to take graduation photos that I am proud of. I did have a realization not too long ago that I think I look better with some fat on my face compared to when I was skinny. I looked like I did drugs and I looked a lot older than I do now.

 The left hand picture was in HS and right pic is me now. There is about a 7 year difference between these photos. Hard to believe right? Why did I look so old when I was 14? ;~;

Now not only has my literal body dysmorphia been out of wack, it has gone to my face. I began to critique my facial structures. I really hate my chin and I would love to get that shaved down and I'm slightly not okay with my nose. Some days I feel fine about my face and then there are days where I want to take a cheese grater across my face.

In conclusion, I really don't have a solution for emotional-eating or tips to overcome body dysmorphia. It is something that you will have to overcome on your own and come to accept on your own terms. I still don't accept myself for the way I am, but I am changing.

I already explained to you all about my self-healing I am and told you all about my hair pulling and my social anxiety- so here is my body dysmorphia and how I am struggling with it now.

The best way I cope with it is to make jokes about it. If anyone watches Shane Dawson on YT, we have pretty much that same humor when it comes to our bodies and how we handle it.

Please let me know your story <3 I would love to hear if people also feel differently about their body. 

&& Let me know if you want to hear about my battle with depression.

& If you are new to my blog: Howdy, I'm Andy and Im a bag full of problems :D