Dear Jonghyun,

           It's been almost four months since you left us. Four months of pain and emotional instability. I've felt the pain of loss before, I'm no stranger to it, but the pain I felt when you died...the pain that haunts me every time I hear your beautiful voice singing...it's unbarable. 

I keep hoping that ill wake up and the whole thing will be a joke, that somehow you're still here. I hope that it's all some big stunt to boost the band or to promote or to even maybe give you the break you so needed. Sadly, it's not. 

This is real, it has been from the moment my friend sent me a screenshot of your death announcement, just hours after it had happened. You left us. Two more months and it will have been half a year. Half a year without you, your smile, your laugh, your voice, your songs.

I'm angry at you for leaving the way you did. Without giving us a proper goodbye, without living just a little bit longer so you could see the affect you had on people's lives like you did mine. I'm angry that you won't be here to celebrate ten years of SHINee, I'm angry that the world will never get another album like Artist | Poet, I am so furiously angry because you didn't let us say goodbye to you. 

I'm also sad. I'm sad that you suffered with the pain on your own, I'm sad that you hid it from all of us, I'm sad that none of us were smart enough to see the warning signs and do something to help. I'm sad that km just a fan who could only watch the plane go down from a distance. I never dreamed that I would wake up to the news of your death...I never dreamed in a million years that I would have to deal with this type of pain all over again only a month after loosing my grandmother...I thought you would always be our shinning bling bling Jonghyun...always dancing and singing and being the beautiful man you were...

I'm angry and I'm sad. I feel lost. I feel empty and hurt. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

But I also understand. I understand why you left us. I understand why you couldn't go on. I understand that I can do nothing about it because you're gone. 

I just wish that you had stayed a little longer so that we could have showed you how much you meant to us. 

I miss you so much Jonghyun...we all miss you so much.

With love, 

Kyla