Death is everywhere.

Death surrounds us all, but one doesn't start to notice that until you've reached a certain age.

My 2017, ended with a ty month.

One of our good neighbours passed away first, a neighbour we've known and grown to love in almost 10 years ..

Then came Jonghyun's suicide.

Followed by a close relative.

2017 came to an end, and not even a week into the new year;

A dear relative passes away as well. 

2018 has been ok this far, I've had some ups and downs, but it's been an ok year this far. Sadly, the peace didn't last long.

What I've dreaded the most is aging, because the more you age, death will follow those around you even more. And it's a scary thought, but sadly, that's how I think ..

I worked from midnight till 8am today, and I'm woken up at 1pm by a message from my father. I ignored it and went back to sleep, and when I woke again an hour later, I finally read it.

Another important relative of mine has passed away. A woman I looked up to. A woman I considered a second mom, because she cared for me just much as my mom does. The thought warms my heart even now, but I still feel the aching in my chest .. She was a very important lady for me. Sadly she passed the day after I'd gone see her at the hospital. Her husband told me outside the room that she might not last the night, but I didn't believe it. If it hadn't been for me having to go for work, I'd stayed with her throughout the night. I regret leaving so bad.

2018 won't be a good year for me, I already know it. I can feel something bigger is about to happen and that will end my will to do anything. I'll turn into a huge failure and everything will just go downhill for me. And it sure will be hard getting back up again. Why I say this is because I think I know what will happen, but if it doesn't .. Maybe 2018 will be a better year once my heart has had time to heal. I've been struggling so much with anxiety lately that I don't know what to do with myself to calm down. Usually writing stories helps me calm down, but it hasn't helped much lately. Which is why I haven't been updating much ..

I hope you all understand me .. I wish some time to think and to heal mentally. It's been to much for me to handle lately and I don't know if I can handle another situation like this again. 

Comments

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roseey
#1
Don't worry! stay strong!
Heesicarella
#2
*hugs* it’s part of life dear but of course when someone close to our heaRt leave it’s sad but we, the one who are still blessed with life should maximize ours to the fullest. Mourn the lost ones , yes but do not lament and forget to live your given life too <3
willscarlet
#3
You should take all the time you need and want to recover from this loss. The death of a loved one, especially someone very close to you, takes a toll on you. Treat yourself to something nice you’ve been holding out for. I’m rooting for you.
AhgaseElf
#4
The same has been happening with me. Three years ago, my mother's my mother's grandfather past away. In 2016, my family and I had to place our 14-year-old dog down because we'd believed she had suffered from a . Then about a month before the Christmas holidays my mother's grandmother past away, and after that happened my mother kept getting sick. When mid-2017 came along my family got more news of my great-grandmother died. By the end of 2017, I got news that Jonghyun had passed away. So thinking 2018 was going to be a bit better for me, I kept my hopes up and my family and I got slammed with more things such as the news one of my cousins who is a year older than me had may have cancer. A week before we had gotten that news, one of my aunts had passed away. My grandmother called us only about a week later to tell my family a couple weeks ago that my aunt has cancer. And earlier this month another one of my uncles had passed away after suffering from another . So with all of this going on, I understand how you feel. Grief is one of the things we can't control, neither is death. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here, because I am going through the same things you are. Please don't think you are alone, you're not.
203693
#5
Hwaiting!
I've also been attending lots funerals and notices and felt the same as you. I don't think people's kind words would help, it just hurts more. But, I think you should have you own time where you can heal. A place where you feel at peace.

Mine is in the bathroom, I know it's weird, but that's the only place where I feel content so it works for me. And I can't go out, so that leaves me there.

And at that place, no one can bother you, remind you of those things, and free your mind. Leave it blank. And take deep breaths or do things that make you feel better and refreshed.

And though, the pain will always be there, but I think as you try to make your body and at peace, then it will be a bit more controllable. Most people would would say time would heal the pain. Hmm..it kind of is true, but not really. For some people it does and some don't. It just depends on whether they had peace.
sleepingprince
#6
Take all the time and space that you need. Sorry to hear that. May they rest in peace. Stay strong and know that they lives on in your heart. I hope that you'll gain more courage and strength from your recovery. I will be cheering on your well being. You're not alone