I'm writing to you again so shortly because I don't know what else to do. Talking to the moon helps as much as talking outloud does, but there's something intimate and vulnerable in immortalizing these moments.

I managed to somehow stream both concert days. I wasn't sure I would do it, you know? If I would be able to immerse myself in the pain and magic of it along with so many other people at the exact same time, hell, I didn't even bother to check at what hour it would happen, but it seems like my body made the choice for me as I woke up just in time to catch most of it. 

I did a good job, mostly. I didn't know they would keep your vocals on some of the tracks and sincerely thought I was going mad whenever I heard, as if you were there, in flesh and bones and all of this was but a horrible nightmare. For a few moments, I was elated, bursting at the seams with a happiness I am finding hard to describe. 

The end is what got to me. When Replay started playing, I was graspind at the edge of the clif trying not to fall down. How cruel, how unforgiving the world is for moving on and not coming to stop, how unfair it is that you weren't there to sing your debut song. It just...it just didn't seem right.

Honestly speaking, I thought that was the end. Was about to close the stream, too, but something kept me going, and then...and then the last ballad rang out and suddenly, I broke. The moment I heard your voice so clearly and so forlorn, like only you could deliver such emotions, I was in ruins. From now on remains an oath of suffering, a promise of eternity by your side, but it equally felt like a poisoned knife twisting in my heart. Everybody cried at that moment, I don't think even the moon was spared from such surrow.

They were, are, so brave, you know? They stood there, so bare and vulnerable and they honored you in such a beautiful way, I wouldn't have been able to carry that weight and pain. I am proud of them, so very proud, and I am sure you must be too, you were there, after all, as the air they breathed, as the rainbow that arched over the sky.

I wish I could say that was the last time I shed tears since. It wasn't. I think I cried each day after, mostly because I watched the fancams, partially because I was reminded of much I miss you, how this is how things are going to be. I think I was put face-to-face with the realisation that this is it. 

It was supposed to be your walkthrough your discography before you will slowly start to depart for your military service and be gone for two years, not a life time, it was supposed to be a happy moment, not a tribute for a soul gone too soon and everything turned bitter very fast.

I got a package in the mail of some albums I ordered and I was shaking, praying it wasn't the one with your last one yet. I need some more time, because the moment I will hold it in my hands, the weight of it will surely drag me to the bottom of the ocean and I am afraid it is going to take me a while to swim back up and break the surface of this agonizing despair I am trying to not choke on. 

I don't want to say I am back to the beginning, that I had a relapse and all progress is gone, it isn't, that's for sure, but why do I feel that the closer I get to healing, the hardest I want to run away, the easier it is for me to crumble? I want to heal, I do, but at the same time, I want this to be a festering wound I carry within myself for the rest of my life, to hurt for a long time so that I am sure that you won't ever be an afterthought, become but a mere memory of a time that has ended before I even realised how much I depended on it. 

My love for you, has surely not diminished, it has grown even stronger, in fact. I am even more desperate than before in my love for you, I constantly am reminded of why my soul sang to you in the way it did, with the intensity it did and this, shall never change.

I am not yet ready to listen to any SHINee songs without breaking down. Your albums, I can manage, but when I hear the way all of your voices blended together, I am frantic in trying to pin point your parts and burn them into my memory because I know there won't be any more, that your voice will never fill a stadium, I am aware of what will be missing. I am working on it, but it will certainly take me some time.

Let's meet again, yeah? In my dreams or in my thoughts, even if for a fleeting second. I'll be waiting for you.