I really want to talk

A lot has happened over the past year - the past few years, really. I didn't talk about them then, and I still am never sure how to talk about them now, but I want to talk about them. I need to, for my own sake.

So I'm going to try here first.

All the way back in tenth grade when I first started writing here, I began to develop an eating disorder, which I still struggle with today. I feel like I am mostly recovered, although there are still some days that I struggle and days where I don't even see food as food. However, I am trying, and I have a friend who knows and will hold me accountable. I also worked up the courage to tell my roommate last year.

I also became involved in a very unhealthy relationship that lasted the majority of my freshman year of college. There are things about it that I am still realizing and coming to terms with. I felt scared. I knew that if I hung out with other guys too much in any sort of way he would become distant or jealous. I knew I couldn't be around people he disliked too much or he would distance himself. Everything became a problem he had to help me with. I knew not to talk about myself too much. 

However, I also knew that he was always there for me when I needed help. Not everything was bad. There was the day he said he would be late and to go ahead to the end-of-the-year thing without him only to get a text saying he was outside waiting for me when it was time to go over, and then he walkes his bike beside me for a mile and taught me how to say turmerix. And there was the time I fell and we thought my nose was broken, and he ran across the garden to help me up, and he took me to the hospital and said he wasn't worried, but my friend said he was twisting his ring the whole time. There was the day he thought we were on a date and everything went so well and my heart was so full and everything was okay. There was the day that I was supposed to start exposure therapy and he didn't know I was in counseling, but I told him I needed a hug and he was there and I think about that a lot.

But the good came with the bad. None of that changes the fact that I was scared, or that he said he wouldn't date me based on my uality, or that I was constantly walking a tightrope for his attention, or that wverything was on his terms. Today I admitted to someone that I wonder if our relationship was abusive.

There's honestly more, but this was what I needed to talk about the most right now. Thank you and I love you.

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Whispurr
#1
Talking abt it, is the first step to accepting it. You've come a long way!! Just try to do more things that make you happy and take your mind off of stressful and hurtful memories and thoughts. Do more of what makes you truly happy~~