To. Jonghyun

It took me a whole month to actually write this, I’ve tried so hard before… but everytime I looked at my words all I could see was pain and sorrow, I didn’t want to address you, the other members or SHINee World like that.

You are part of me, since 2008 (I was only a lost 12 year old when I found you and the boys) that I’ve been with you, rejoicing in your voices and your words, getting comfort and strength through them. 

You molded part of the person I am today and I am proud to say this.

That day… when I heard the news I could only cry for the first few hours and deny it to myself, saying they got the wrong person it couldn’t be you, after a few hours I stopped crying and that was the worst because I was there and I wasn’t, I was empty and that was the time I was most scared of myself.

No one around me that day understood my pain, most thought I was just being dumb crying for a singer I never met, while I thought all the World should be crying like me, because I wasn’t just crying the loss not only of just a singer but of this extraordinary person.

I am not going to lie, that first week was horrible, the first 3 days I couldn’t sleep and everything I tried to eat would come back up, I was suffocated and desperate back then, I was being swallowed by my pain in a way I never was before, my body was week but my mental and emotional state were a lot worse, smiling pained me, was like torture. I was filled with all this love and no one to give it to, people kept saying I should give it to the other members but I couldn’t, I love you all equally, I do, but that love was specifically for you. 

My mind was running 200 km/h, thinking why, what did we all missed and how much I wanted to go back in time stop your car and just wrap in my arms were you could be safe until I could convince you that this war wasn’t lost, and when I wasn’t thinking I was just empty, numb.

Then I came to realize that you were surrounded by so much love and not even that made your demon go away, and I just cried.

In your memorial, to be very honest I really didn’t wanna go, made me feel like this was real and I hated it even if I knew the truth and I felt like I was being selfish in not letting you go, and I just cried… but then I felt like I own you that, that if you endured all that pain for us I could endure mine for you and I tried to honor you and smile through my tears as I looked at the sky.

The next days were a blur, Christmas came around and I didn’t want to bother my family with my pain, so I smiled through the day and when night came and I looked up at you I would cry my pain out, I am still doing the same.

At New Year’s Eve I smiled to my family while my heart was sobbing inside of me because I couldn’t bare the idea of a new year without you.

A month went by so quickly and I hanging in here, I wished I could tell you I was fine but that would be a lie, this pain I don’t think it will ever go aways I will just learn to live with it I guess…

I want to give you back all the love I received, I promised myself and you that I will live well and when it’s time to meet again I will be able to stand proudly in front of you and you will be the one telling me “You did well!”.

I will never talk about you in the past tense because I strongly believe that you are still alive, you are alive in all the hearts you touched.

I will never forget you, I will tell my kids that this wonderful person lived in this world, a world that was too cruel for such an extraordinary person, a world the honestly never deserved this person.

SHINee World will take care of your brothers, sister and mom.

We will stand by them forever, so you rest well my angel.

You went through a lot.

You did well!

I miss you and above all,

I love you!