Twelve days into the New Year and there are so many thoughts in my mind. I figured I'd write them down here.

So, I didn’t talk about this much but in June of last year, my cousin was murdered and taken from us at the young age of 21. I was absent those months because I was grieving and fell into a mild depression. Listening to SHINee, Infinite, and other Kpop bands helped me cope with the loss. And at the end of the year, when I thought I could start the new year with new strength, Jonghyun was taken.

To be honest, I still miss Jonghyun so much. I don’t think it will ever stop. Everyday, knowing that he’s no longer around just reminds me how much I must treasure the people around me and to never take anyone for granted.

And you know what else I’ve been thinking about lately? Hoya.

Now, I know some of you still harbor some resentful feelings towards Hoya and I get it, I really do. I harbored those same feelings for a while. But, after everything that happened with Jonghyun, I’ve done a lot of reflecting.

Many Shawols already knew that Jonghyun had depression. He was open about it and never kept it from us. That’s why we always tried to shower him and SHINee with our love and support throughout the years. But, depression and suicidal thoughts don’t discriminate on anyone.

It goes to show that sometimes, your idols’ smiles on stage may not be the same case off-stage. Sometimes, the joy they show in variety shows is not the same joy they feel off-camera. Idols go through so much hardship, we all know that. But, how much do we truly know about their own internal turmoils and demons? Our Jonghyun was always happy on stage, on social media, and on T.V. But, off stage, away from the eyes of a camera, he was in so much pain. He felt unworthy. He felt lacking. No matter how much love we sent his way, he wasn’t happy.

So, even if you no longer support Hoya, I hope you will still understand why he decided to choose to go down that path in the end. No path is ever easy and he knew that this path would hurt s and some of his fans; but he chose it because he wanted to be happy. Remember Infinite Showtime? When Sunggyu talked about Hoya being frustrated because of his injury? Because he felt that he was letting everyone down?

I re-watched it, recently. It was right then that I thought that maybe he was still suffering in silence at that time. Being an idol is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. And if you’ve been depressed, you know that those feelings and emotions would continue to build up more and more until you’re drowning, until you can’t find a way out anymore.

Hoya found his way out by leaving a life he no longer wanted. We all want that, don’t we? To be happy?

Our Jonghyun couldn’t find that way out. He hurt us deeply by leaving this life. He hurt SHINee, his family, his friends, and Shawols. I would have preferred him leave SHINee if that was the only way he could be happy. But, Jonghyun loved SHINee and SHINee World too much to officially leave and instead, he chose to leave the world as SHINee’s Jonghyun. And we will remember him forever as our member in heaven.

If you were to ask me, I would have chosen disbandment over the loss of Jonghyun. And that is a pain I would never wish on my worst enemy and most certainly not on any fandom.

Guys, give your idols love, all of them. Let them know how much you love and appreciate them while you have them with you. Always remind them that whatever they later choose to do, they will have no fear because you are with them. 

This is probably the last I will speak of Hoya’s departure since I, too, want to move on. But, I will continue to feature him in future Infinite fanfics, if a role for him is needed.

So, as the New Year begins, I hope we all begin it with less hate and resentment and have more love, forgiveness, and understanding in our hearts.

I’m going to honor Jonghyun by living in that way.