Hey guys! It's Riddikilus :) 

Although I'm not a hundred percent okay right now. I'm okay enough to live my life normally again. I beated myself up with grief for two days straight... I cried so much I got headaches and could barely see through my puffy eyes. I didn't want to eat or do anything but be sad, look at our photos, old convos and miss him, wish he was still here, regret, felt guilty and angry at myself that I didn't help out more and angry at the situation because 19 is seriously too young an age too pass away. But a an hour or so before the clock struck 12 on December 31st of 2017, I wrote something. It was sort of a "letting go" message (if that makes any sense?). I just wated to help people and myself move on because knowing my friend, how positive he is and how much he hated seeing people cry or look sad, he would be upset with us. 

My last line was, "Leave the grief in 2017. That's what he would've wanted." (or something like that) I posted it on my personal sns and left it there for anyone hurting like me to see. I wrote a handwritten letter too in the hopes that I could probably give it to him, let them burn the letter with him (because he was cremated) but I didn't know if that was allowed. Anyways, doing that really helped me with my grieving process. I just felt so much better that I let it all out and sowly began to let him go, that I was finally starting to accept that he's gone. I was crying still, though heh. And also on the 1st of January when I visited him at his wake. 

I was so scared to even enter the room. I saw all these flowers with "condolence" and his name on them. It hurt so, so bad but I had some of my friend with me and we entered together. I couldn't even look at his coffin at first and it took a while for me to build up the courage to walk up and look at him. I was crying again but I told myself that this should be the last time. I can't cry infront of him. He would hate it! So I took a deep breath, wiped my tears away and finally mustered up the courage to look at him. I was with my friend and she was crying looking at him inside his coffin. I felt as if a stake was driven straight through my chest. The person in there didn't look like my friend. I almost reverted back to denial and thought that it really was not him but I know I couldn't do that to myself. I was learning to accept, wasn't I? So I stood there, staring at him, memories flashing in my head and his voice sounding in my mind. I kept thinking, "How can I hug you if you're in there?" All I could do was lay my hand of his coffin and caress it with my thumb and it wasn't enough. But the longer a stood there, the more I felt the heaviness in my heart leave me. I felt as though he took all my pain. Seeing him, even if it was like that, made me feel at ease. I could almost feel him patting my shoulder and hear him say that it was okay. Seeing him gave me a lot of strength. 

After that day, I felt so proud of myself. I was no longer a crying mess and I could breathe and live a little more normally. I could smile and laugh again. On January 4th, we came back to visit him. I heard a lot of amazing things about him and realized that I should just be grateful that I had an opportunity of having him as my friend, my brother. I appreciated him even more then. I valued my friendship with him so much more. Someone also told me something that he said about me before that made me let go of my thought that I wasn't that good of a friend to him as he is to me, that he thought of me just a fondly as I thought of him and that I, in some way, had touched his heart like he did mine.

On the 5th though, it was his last day before he was going to be cremated. I was to speak during that day... I was scared out of my mind because I hate public speaking but it was for him. Of course, I had to do it. I was shaking and my heart was beating out of my chest even if I had a couple of hours before I was to speak. I went to him again and talked to him, told him to give me strength and by all means, asked him not to make me cry because I know I wouldn't be able to finish if I do (I also had not been crying since Jan. 1 and I didn't want to break that streak) . I felt better again, like the first time I visited him. 

I was okay again but then his tribute came and the eulogies and I was nervous again. It wasn't as bad as before though so I knew he was helping me somehow. Guess what? When I read my speech, I didn't cry. I didn't shake as much and I finished it without much of a problem at all. While I was speaking, I could almost feel him standing right next to me with his arm around my shoulder and hear him saying, "It's okay. You can do it." I felt his presence. I felt that he was there for me like he primised he always would be. Still though, when I did finsihed, I had to head straigtht to the bathroom to calm myself down. My heart was still kinda racing and it was painful and that was when my tears spilled. I didn't cry too hard or too long though. Again, I was proud of myself and I kept thanking him for helping me out through the entire thing. He was cremated yesterday and we weren't able to be there for it. I think it was private anyway but I still wanted to go and be with him till the very last. We had this seminar thing though so we couldn't go. Even during the seminar, I had him in my mind (I even wrote his name on my notes lol) then when I got home I felt very emotional and suddenly missed him so much again. I was looking through our chat and crying... 

Well, what I'm going through isn't easy anyway and even if I think I'm good to go sometimes, I'm actually not since these things take time and I couldn't fast forward to when I'm fully okay. I know I'm probably going to be in this cycle for a while but I also know I'll eventually get there in time. Ultimately though, I think I'm okay. Okay enough at least ^^" I know this is late but, Happy New Year!!! I wish you all the best this year <333 and thank you for everyone who understood and tried to comfort me. You're all so precious <333