i love my life.  i love it, yet i hate it.

i love the fact that i'm able to go to school and study what i want to, that i'm able to live in LA and be immersed in culture all the time.  to be around people that are just as passionate, if not more.  we feed off of each other's talent and push ourselves to do better.  we don't really care for anything else other than food.

it's thinking about this, that i think my life is perfect for now.  small, but perfect.

but then there are bigger things.

like going to a restaurant with my friends and thinking about how i'm going to pay for things when my family has very little income.

being self conscious about how much i eat and what i look like.

the constant feeling that i'm being watched.

my former mentor fighting for his life through stage four cancer.  he has two young children and a loving wife.  he's the last person that deserves this.  why is God so cruel?

my brother made a stupid decision and took some expired perscription drugs a few days ago.  he's fine, but i made sure to yell at him enough so that i was scared of myself.  even though i love him and hate him, what would life be like if i didn't have him, my best friend?

i'm overthinking way too much.  my head feels like it's going to explode.  no pain, just too much to think about.  my shoulders are heavy with pressure.  not even my friends can understand what i'm going through at school -- the amount of work to get in isn't just a simple app.  it's about staying in: proving your worth, going for all the competitions, being at the top of your game.  

at the same time, it's this pressure i live for.  i love it.  i can't live without it.  the excitement of going from place to place, the adrenaline and good nerves of being on stage...it's almost like a drug, and i'm addicted.

ugh, i don't know what it is, but i just feel stressed out even though i'm on break for another week.  plus my skin's breaking out and idk what to do with myself ;-;