It will get easier over time.

I just need need to let it out.

You don't have to read it.

It's been almsot 48 hours maybe. It's starting to really sink in. I want to cry. I want to be angry. But I have stuff to do and no time to really grieve. At work I have to keep going to the toilets just so I can weep in peace. One of my work mates has done well to keep me laughing. But now it's really hurting.I think since I get Christmas off this weekend it will all come out. And I really don't want to be misrable at Christmas.

I want to be a huge support to the other 4, Jinki. Kiibum. Minho. Taemin. To stand with them and having seen the clip of Minho standing strong and smiling and greeting and comforting the visitors when it should be him held and hugged and craddled. I'm so proud of their strength. I'm so angry at that Depression that grabbed Jonghyun, dragging him into its darkest pit so he couldnt see a way out. I know what that feels like. I have felt the trapped hole. How suffocating it can be. I wish I could tell him that it could have all been okay. I found a way out. I took hold of somthing that dragged me into the light.

I live in the UK so It's hard to find anyone closeby who would understand me and be there. I really just want a hug. To Hug someone who feels the pain too.

It so bad. And I just want it to pass to the easy part where the pain is numb. And the thought wont hurt anymore.

I never even knew how strongly I felt about the boys until now. I always said I wasnt a super hardcore fan. But I adored them. I was a big Minho and Taemin fan. Jonghyun was my closet Bias. I thought at first.I need to be there for the ones who loved Jonghyun more than me. ButI realise that I lovethem all equally. And it could have been any member I would feel the same.

So Jonghyun I love you. I've always liked you. But I never realised how much Love I had for you until now. I hope to my saviour in heaven you are finally at peace. You was never meant to suffer this way. Please rest.

ChoiGiGi

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purple_music #1 Dec 29, 2017 22:06:21

It has been a week and my mind still can't wrap around all of this but I also hope that Jonghyun has found peace with himself. I also hope that the members see that Shawols all around the world have their backs and always will.

*sends you lots of virtual hugs*

PinkBlueBeauty #2 Dec 20, 2017 12:00:07

My heart hurts so much, he was my bias and I'm so angry at myself for not knowing he was in such pain. I'm lucky I caught a cold so my face is already a bit swollen and my coworkers don't suspect nothing. I think about how he smiled and nobody realized anything.

goldxntrbl #3 Dec 20, 2017 10:36:14

i feel like if you let it out and properly grieve in peace you’ll be able to say good bye to him properly. i’m sorry that it hurts so much and i want to remind you that you, as well, is being so strong with this whole situation.

if only there was a way i could hug you, payt your back and stay beside you:(( i really hope you’ll be okay. everyone has kind of lost it and we all have to stay together. you’re doing well, you’re doing fine. take your time in saying your last goodbyes hun

keibunbuns #4 Dec 20, 2017 09:51:47

Its tragic and we are all hurting from different parts of world are in a state of mourning over such events. Please know that you're not alone and it will be okay. We have give each other lots of support and the guys of shinee our support for its going to be hard to go on next year. Stay strong thousands millions of us can hear you and we feel your pain. You are not alone sweety.

SHINee_fangirl_4ever #5 Dec 20, 2017 09:07:09

My heart feels empty... i wish we all Shawols could be with each other and find strength and comfort... i wish we could be with jinki,kibum,minho and taemin right now...

LadyRainz614 #6 Dec 20, 2017 07:43:36

Hi, dear... HUGS... I'm here for u.... It will take time but don't rush it if you are not ready. Take care of yourself too.. I agree with what you had said. I wished that I could turn back the clock so that I could go to Jonghyun and helped him out through the darkness like how he and the rest did with me. I pray that he's in a better place...