Roses to Our Angel, Kim Jonghyun || Where I've Been

Words can't even describe how I feel right now. There's been so much pressure and weight pulling me down to my lowest strengths these past months, and I don't even know where to start with this.

Before I explain how I've been doing, I'm going to rant and say my emotions based upon SHINee's Kim Jonghyun's death.

Kim Jonghyun... Kim. Jong. Hyun.... Even saying and writing these three syllables of his name at this time, at this hour, at the minute, at this second - it's still so painful to come to the truth that he died... Yes, he died. He's no longer living - he's gone... I'm not going to sugar-coat or be polite about it by saying he 'passed away.'

Like every one of his friends, family members, and the ShaWols - I am deeply saddened by the tragic news... But... as much as I am heartbroken to hear we have lost our talented, handsome, caring, loving, kind angel - I am also angry... I am upset, and I am furious... At all of us, but also at Kim Jonghyun himself... Including myself personally...

I am angry that we didn't notice anything. I am angry that we just let your struggles and pain pass by us, like strangers on the streets. I am angry that not a single one of us said anything about it to you. I am angry that we never asked the most important question of all, "Are you happy?" There so many things that I am infuriated about, but I won't go on as I know I won't be able to stop.

Along with this, I am angry at you, Kim Jonghyun... You're a liar... You completely fooled us all with your innocent smile, gentle eyes, and warm words of wisdom... You made us see that you were okay. You made us believe you were alright. You made us think that you were happy.

You deceived all of us, and for that, I am angry with you... but I can't bring myself to hate you. I keep thinking of all the possible ways to hate you for this, but I can't... You made us carry you from the first day you debuted with your SHINee members. You made us cheer you on to continue giving us your beautiful, angelic voice. You comforted us in order to make us see the light again when we are in our darkest days. And beyond all of that, the most strongest of all, you made us fall in love with you...

You took your own life because the darkest enemy that you always faced in your life was yourself. And I can't blame you for it. I won't...

Even I couldn't face the enemy inside myself. I still can't...

It's been so long - maybe 6 months now since I've been back on AFF. Believe me, it wasn't that I didn't want to come back and give you the stories I promised to keep writing. But it was just so hard for me these past months...

I started my first semester in college, and it was a really fun experience. I made new friends, started my own K-pop dancce team, and got involved on campus. However... I can't lie that it was stressful. I don't know about anyone else's first college year experience, but for me - I felt like my throat was hanging off a rope.

Because I took a 4 years of Japanese in high school, my stupid thought I was good enough to take on an upper-level 3rd year course of the language again. So I did... But the second day I returned to class, I completely felt strange. My heart was in my stomach, the oxygen through my lungs were going to my head instead, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling like there was an earthquake happening every moment. I was the only freshmen in the class - everyone else were either 3rd year students or 4th year. I was really overwhelmed by all the new things.

Everyone else were fluent in the Japanese language and knew their stuff, but me? I wasn't even near Advanced - heck, maybe not even Intermediate yet. Or I don't know... I was deeply terrifed, but not becayse of the new study procedures and talented upperclassmens... I was terrified of myself. Every single Monday and Wednesday morning that I went to that class, I felt this pit in my stomach - like there was a hole and all my insides were pouring out. It was horrible...

Sometimes, there would even be Oral Presentations with partners. But the problem was, I didn't know anyone. They were (are still) friends from past Japanese courses, hence they didn't know me as much as I didn't know them as well. You probably might be thinking, 'You could've just talked to someone and asked them. Heck, you probably might have made a friend, too.' If it was that easy, I wouldn't be ranting about this right now.

Like I said before, the darkest enemy that you always face in your life is yourself. And to my own dismay, I let that enemy defeat me. Some days where there were oral presentations, I skipped class just so I wouldn't have to bore everyone else with my awful, cranky Japanese speaking skills. I would just make an excuse to my professor the next meeting, that there was a family emergency or that I was sick.

Even I was disgusted by my own decisions I made.

That hasn't been the only thing tolling on my college life. My stress and anxiety levels had peaked so high that I lost 6-8 pounds in the process, too. One time, there was a family event and my aunt noticed before asking me, 'Did you lose weight?' At first, I thought it was just because we haven't seen each other in a long time. Maybe she was just missing out on how I've been, you know? But a few weeks after during another event, another aunt of mine - whom I've known for years and visited many, MANY times - she said to me, 'Oh, my gosh. Why are you so skinny?' I didn't know why I was affected by her words. Maybe it was because of her tone - I can't explain it, but just recalling it made me scared.

I would look in the mirror everyday - observing my jawlines, collarbones, arms, legs, and stomach. I still do... Thankfully, my dad had a weighing scale, and I took it to calculate my weight weekly. So far, as of now, I am 113 pounds. It's a normal number for weight - but the thought of losing so much in so little time, it made me scared. I tell you now, I was never anorexic nor am I now. Sometimes, I would eat a lot just so I can try to gain back those pounds I lost. My mom even got worried to the point she asked, "Are you sick?" Honestly, I couldn't answer her so surely... because I don't know either. These days, I try to eat so much, but it's hard when there is completely no appetite for me. Because my anxiety has been weighing me down...

I began questioning myself every night, if there was something wrong with me. Why was I losing weight so quickly? Why was I not having any appetite these days? Am I really sick? Should I go talk to someone professional? Should I go see a doctor or therapist? I was overwhelmed with questions and concerns.

These days, it's just getting harder, too. Especially when it comes to your own family...

Something you should know is that I'm 18 - and I don't drive yet. I just have my permit and I'm still learning how to. Another thing, I got my permit after 3 tries. But hey, 3rd times a charm, right? However, my younger brother (I am the oldest of 3 siblings) got his permit last month on his 2nd try. Honestly, I was really happy for him. Indeed, I truly was... But I too was confused... My parents cheered my brother on, but they never complimented anything when I got mine... Strange, isn't it? I couldn't tell if my parents were happy because my brother got it on his 2nd try, or if it was because he was the son of the family (Asian household).

When I first took my permit test, I wasn't surprised that I failed. I mean, I don't remember getting anything right on the first tries anyway. But after failing again on my 2nd try, my doubts started to rise again. My mom called me from work an hour after my appointment, asking how I did. I had no choice but to tell her that I failed - I couldn't lie to her about my failed attempt. Again. But she comforted me with words, saying that 'Grandpa will help you next time.' Her words through the phone made my eyes tear up and my throat tightened from a cry wanting to escape, but I never let it out. I only agreed with her words carelessly before we hung up on each other. I went to the bathroom, turning on the faucet of the sink so no one else in the house would hear me cry.

Because my Grandpa died back in February of this year...

As my brother and I are learning how to drive these days, I feel like my brother is better than me. I'm not saying this because I doubt myself - I'm saying this because my parents even said so to me. 'See? Your brother got it before you did, and even you leanred first.' That same gut-wretching feeling came back to me. My heart in my stomach, air in my head, and earthquakes underneath my feet... And I soon let the words go to my head...

This past month, I've been struggling deeper than usual. I don't recall a night where I haven't cried myself to sleep. Hearing words like, 'You're worthless,' or, 'I don't need her,' 'She needs to get her life together before she disappears from this world,' they've made me numb... Sure, they hurt. But I've been hearing these words - from my own family - for so long that I've gotten used to the pain, it's durable.

Sometimes, I would wonder suicidal thoughts... If I'm not here anymore, then maybe everyone will finally get the happy endings they wanted... But as I kept thinking of such dark thoughts, I got scared too. Questions filled my mind again - Who will be there for my grandma when she has no one to rely on? Who will help my dad with video editing and talk to him about his old musical, band stories? Who will correct my mom on her broken English and tell her about financial stuff? Who will give my brother information about college steps? Who will endure my sister's impatience with her math homework? These worries made me scared to think of such suicidal thoughts...

But because of these worries, I am also thankful that I woke up these days...

I just wished that Kim Jonghyun - and EVERYONE who is going through hell right now - could think of such worries and scenarios to keep themselves going. I didn't think of my dreams, goals, or reasons for happiness - no... Instead, I thought of my family - the same ones who always criticized me on my skills and personality. I worried about what will happen to them, as much as I wondered if they would be happy if I was gone...

There's much more struggles and tangles in life that everyone is going through right now, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one. Sometimes, I do want to give up - but at the same time, I worry for my family's future. Because I want them to be happy. What about me? Will I myself be happy? I don't know... But all I know is that, by seeing my family happy, I am happy...

I am still dealing with my depression right now, hence I don't know when I'll be back to write my stories and continue them. But I ask of you to remember that behind everyone's smile, there is always a tint of worry. Whoever it is, friends or family - don't let them cry on your shoulder, just to know that they are not okay. Ask them yourselves. Don't wait, but also don't force them.

You just have to be there. You don't have to say anything. Just be there and tell them they did well. Because that's all they ever wanted to hear...

 

Prayers to Kim Jonghyun, and to his family and friends.

You were our wings to help us escape our deepest pit of hell - now let us be the light to shine you away from your darkness.

We love you, Kim Jonghyun. You did well...

 

 

 

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