I woke up this morning and cried at the news. I prayed throughout the day that it was not true, that he was really alive and my brain had played a sick joke on me.

My heart is breaking.

My world is heavy.

And to know that his dear soul cried out for help, sought it out and was denied help?!?!

I want that therapist he was seeing to lose his/her license. I ing pray that he/she realizes that it was their fault that Jonghyun died.

I'm angry.  

I'm sad.

I want SHAWOL's to know I stand with you, that in your greatest time of need, I am there for you.

Mental health disorders are no joke. I'm offended by the fact a doctor who had taken the Hippocratic oath legitimately did nothing to help Jonghyun. That the person told him that he should blame himself for feeling the way he did. It makes me so angry at that person who was in a position to help and did nothing. That he could have gotten real help and stayed with us longer.

I can't, and NEVER will blame Jonghyun for choosing to leave us. It hurts like hell, and I'm sure he's looking down on us, at peace with himself and not hurting anymore. I want his soul to be at rest and I want his soul to know that he was LOVED by everyone who got to hear his beautiful voice, who got to see him at least once in person, that people will mourn that he left us way too soon.

I won't be updating any stories until after the first of the new year. Jonghyun's passing has shook me hard, and I need time to rebalance myself. I don't suffer from any clinical mental health disorders, but in the wintertime I am more prone to becoming seasonally depressed (I go to work in the dark, and I typically get off work right at sunset this time of year and I don't get a whole lot of chances to go outside/see outside my office building for 7-10 hours a day)