I heard about JongHyun about an hour after it hit the news. What was said about it was very vague, but it seems like it was the worst.

I never really got into Shinee (I listened to them if they played on a stream/playlist, and I watched Hello Baby, but that's about it), but that shouldn't mean anything in this situation. JongHyun was a human being, just like the rest of us - fandom or not. It just goes to show that just because people are famous and smile all the time, it doesn't means that they're above being hurt, or tired, or mad. News like this makes me so angry and upset. I'm not angry at him, just life in general. For the way things turn out.

I only saw the initial headline an hour after it happened and they said they hadn't ruled out suicide (Not sure where the investigation is at right now). I'm sure there are going to be a bunch of people saying "He had thousands of fans and made loads of money, how can he be sad enough to do that?" but as someone who struggles with darker personal issues, I can say for a fact that it's not that easy to just forget what people say or do to you.

From my experience, whether one person, ten, or everyone you know tells you they’re there for you, or cares about you, it doesn’t matter. There is something in your head that nags at you constantly, scratching away like a starved animal at the bag of your skull, telling you all the things you dread to hear from another human being, over and over again.

“Can’t you do anything right?”
“You could have done better”
“What is the point of you?”
“You’re a joke.”
“You just cause trouble.”
“You’ve got nothing to live for.”
“You’re useless.”
“Why would anybody love you when you are like you are?” The list goes on.

And after hearing yourself, or your subconscious head-voice (or whatever it is) tell you that, it’s mighty difficult to unhear it. It grinds on you, and you start to dig yourself deeper into a hole which eventually nobody can drag you out of but yourself. It’s a hard but true fact; If you don’t fight tooth and nail to save yourself, no sweet words or persistent coaxing will change your mindset.

Before anyone misinterprets my meaning, I am NOT saying that it’s a person’s fault for depression, or any issues they have. I’m saying that sometimes, you need to kick your own arse and find one tiny, seemingly insignificant sliver of something that you care for. Cling to it. Grab it with both hands and never let go - hold on like your life depends on it, because it just might.

I am usually steadfast with keeping my issues under wraps – Online, and in my personal life - due to pride. And maybe a little because of the New Millennial fad of everybody and their dog thinking they have depression and anxiety problems… It’s a tough topic to cover without upsetting someone, as the majority have a strong point of view on the matter – Nay or Yay, as it was.  But I feel like this needs to be addressed. *Shrugs* It should have been addressed a long time ago. I don't like to tell people my personal business, but there is a growing swarm of younger people on here, and all they see is the faux glamour of fame. I feel like it's just the good side of media being in their faces: Fame, and money, and people stanning you. Real life doesn't work like that, and if you are seeing that, somebody's lying to you, sweetheart.

I grew up in abusive home. I’m not going to go into details to the general public, but it wasn’t pleasant for me, or anybody around me. I have watched my mother nearly be killed by somebody we shared a house with, and I have hurt myself and tried to kill myself, and I have seen my sassy little brother who gives no s brought to tears because of a betrayal his so-called friend brought upon him. I have been bullied my entire life, not just in school, but by family members, and even old fellow-students after graduating. I’m 26 years old, and been through an array of things a person shouldn’t have to deal with. I have found my ‘thing’ that keeps me holding on, but that doesn’t stop me from slipping sometimes. Some days, I feel like I’ve lost my mind when I can’t remember mundane things; some days, I just want to butcher every person I see, then plan how to get away with it. Those thoughts don’t bother me as much as the fact that I can’t seem to care as much as I think I should about them.

I live with my grandparents (Born in 1951 and 1949), and they have little concept on the matter. I cook, clean, do laundry, organize their medication (They are both disabled), do all the DIY/Housework/Gardening, take the dog out. My grandad was in the army and my Grandma was a working (practically single mother from the age of 18), and they dealt with their problems in completely different ways. One would be away with his Squaddies, drinking and taking part in constant physical endeavours; the other had grew up in a family owned bar, then worked in one – she was working full time doing various other jobs with 3 kids between the ages of a few months and 6 years old, and she did that until she had an epileptic fit when she was fifty-ish. I listen to them argue and vent on a daily basis, and have been doing so since I was eleven – I have no life of my own.They were both heavy drinkers, and now I get stick for doing the same.

Trying to explain to either of them that ‘I’m not happy with my life’ is not an option because all I get is “What do you have to be stressed about?” I understand that my issues are not as bad as others, but nobody can handle everything.

I did not write this for sympathy, or to bring people down. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I want people to know that nobody is perfect. We are all human beings, and I think it’s well overdue that certain people start behaving as such. I have never understood why people call each other names based on their appearance, or tell each other to ‘kill themselves’. Everyone I've ever met has wondered why I have such a cynical, bleak outlook on life and a sardonic sense of humour, but honestly, I hate the growing majority of so-called civilization.

People are cruel, and that’s a fact that’s becoming more apparent by the year. However, I know there are people out there who genuinely care about others. I have seen it. I have seen it on this site – This place has helped me so much during my time as a member (OG since 2009 – Even though it says 2010 - Jay needs to fix his xP). I went through one of the hardest periods in my life as a noob here, and I found people from across the globe whom I somehow connected with (They were kind enough to become my friend): People from completely different timezones,  and social class; ideals, religions, and backgrounds. I was brought up in such a close-minded, racist household and I ended up with my two oldest friends being Jewish and Muslim. Who’da thunk it?

I guess what I’m trying to say, at the end of that lengthy rant is, it doesn’t matter where you’re from, how you were brought up, or what you've done past or present; if you had a happy home life, or a ty one; whether you’re independent, or still a kid; tied down by responsibility or free and off doing your own thing – there will be times when you feel down. Sometimes ‘down’ will be waaay down, and it will last. You’ll be walking around with an anchor around your neck for weeks, or maybe months. Hell, I’ve been treading water with mine for several years but Motherf*cker, I’m still here to write the most depressing blogs on AFF.

I think it should be okay to talk about the issues we have: we are not crazy, or sick, or broken. We are a little weird, though, but who gives a ? Who wants to be normal and boring?

If you can’t speak to family, or the friends you have in real life, perhaps you should confide in an online friend. If that doesn't work, think about talking to a professional. I’ve tried that a handful of times, but it wasn’t for me because I had some terrible paranoia about government testing (Lol?). I got my own personal shrink when I found my best friend on here eight years ago. I highly encourage everyone to speak to somebody at least once a week. Even if it’s menial , like your parent’s yelling at you for not washing the dishes, or if you were late posting work documents: Stress can, and will, kill. Don't wait, make a new friend today! Help yourself, and help AFF's previously glorious social system from perishing. Just say hello, and tell someone you like something if you do.

Share your problems, but don’t nag.
Be kind to a stranger, but don’t be a doormat.
Be ambitious, but don’t think yourself better than others.
Keep your head high, but don’t be a snob.
Just be a human being, and treat others how you would like to be treated.

Yours Sincerely,

Tasha
KunoichiHakira666 / BrokenAbyssChain / CallMeSenpai