help

I’ve realized that I’ve been lying to myself for a long time.

I thought I was okay. I thought I was completely fine.

It was just a dream. And it’s getting worse. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what’s going on. I’m a hypocrite. I’m just a fake. A nobody. I can’t be funny, pretty, beautiful, artistic, talented or intelligent.

I can’t impress my friends, I can’t make my family happy, I can’t even make myself happy. It hurts now. It really does. I told one person and they do trust me, but I think I lost a friend. I feel like I’m losing everyone but its not like I can do anything about.

When I think I’m pretty, it’s almost as if society decided that I was ugly. When I think I finally exceled at something, its almost as if everything wanted to collapse.

I want to cry. I want to be hugged, I wanted to be loved, but everything is hurting. Two hours of sleep and no eating is what I can do to punish myself. Because that’s the only thing I can do right. That’s all I really can do.

I told my friends not to cut themselves during their deepest parts of life. And even with that, I did it. I told myself not to but I did. I’m so annoyed with everything, all I want to ask is, “Why couldn’t I have been them?”

But let’s say somethings make me happy. It may not be my friends all the time, but there is always music, and nature. Those things don’t judge.

All I do is listen and watch. And that’s probably what I’ll do for the rest of my life. So it might be okay. I’m not sure, but let’s hope.

I'll update Broken Music, it's been a pretty hectic week

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