Today had been horrible to me. I wanted to write in my diary but I don't feel like writing, more like typing but I don't feel to just keep it in my laptop because It'll probably get lost in the sea of other documents.

I got into a new uni, basically for smart people.. in the beginning.. I feel proud of myself for getting in... then the tension finally crept in. I feel so left out, small and stupid among my classmates. I always thought before, I was at least good, but now ... I don't think I'm anywhere near good. I feel horrible. I feel like giving up, quit and leave this place. I feel so down today. I don't think I could cope with all of this. And I don't have anyone to talk about. I deleted my twitter and closed my instagram accounts because I don't want my friends to contact me. The only person I'm contacting like nothing is wrong is with my sis.

I put my phone on airplane mode so no one can call me. I don't want to talk to my parents for now. I've always been different and weak. I'm not like them. I'm nothing like them. I lack confidence a whole lot, I am quiet and more reserved. I think a lot... I get depressed...

I went on twitter just now, when I was about to delete it, I saw my friends tweeting stuff like... Depression is not a trend, or like...so many people claim they are depressed because it's a TREND. How insensitive honestly. That's why I decided to just shut everything out at least for a while.

It makes me sick that they could go on about stupid stuff, about guys... for me it is stupid stuff. It's not even important. They would WANT ME to listen to them about this stupid stuff. But think I'm joking or OVERREACTING because I'm depressed. They're my friends. I just want to turn to them. But they don't even take me seriously. It's painful. I don't feel like living anymore. The only thing keeping me alive is my religion and my cats....for now...because I'm upset with my family.

I thought I was over it you know. I thought I'm finally free from depression because I decided to leave everything behind me. I FORGAVE everyone who had hurt me, who brought me immense grief. I forgave them all for the sake of forgiving myself. I want to let go of everything that is painful to me.

But why, is nothing working out for me ? Why am I always not good enough. I feel sick to the point of not going out to face people anymore. I feel pathetic. Why do I have to suffer all these , alienated feelings? Why do I have to experience things that others don't have to. People claim they UNDERSTAND you but they ing don't. They're not in my ing shoes.

Some people had the nerve to say, " You're just 19. What's so hard about your life? " Dear God, please grant me patience.

How would I know why is my life so hard ..? I have many PEOPLE to please because I love too much! And because I love too much, I HURT TOO MUCH. I need to meet my parents expectations because I don't want to disappoint them. I have my cats to raise, I need money to raise them. I have my sisters to take care of. They rely on me. I'm the warrior in my family. I go out on wars and have scars because of it. I need to endure it all. I need to mask my pain all the time because I don't want them to worry. The least I want is for people to at least understand me.

Of course you don't think my life is hard because all you care about guys. That guy, this guy, you like this guy and that guy and you would cry and be anxious as because they don't return your feelings. Is that HARD about your life? Harder than mine? IDK. I'm not downgrading people who needs a guy in her life to feel loved and special, I just wish you don't disrespect my feelings like that.

So what that I'm 19, I go through s too. A lot of it really because like I said, I love too much.

It's upsetting to get disrespect like that by your own friend and I couldn't say anything back because I'm such a saint. I still don't want to hurt her feelings when she clearly hurt mine. That's why I decided to stay off social media. I only stay on my accounts that I'm anon.

I wish to die a million times today. I feel like giving up. And I still do. I just wish, when I wake up tomorrow, I'll feel better.

I , too, crave happiness.