because I really need to get this out somehow.  Might delete when I'm back to sober.

I’m ing drunk.

I like this feeling. Not caring about anything. My body feels so light, as if it was floating. Just caught up in my own fantasy. I’m a bit desperate, you see. Because I’m not living the things I want to live, so I end up getting drunk to get rid of the doubts and the shame when imagining things sober me feels like it will never have. this. I just want to be loved. I happen to always choose the wrong people. Either they’re not interested in me or halfway across the globe and don’t even know me, while they’re probably ing someone else. I like joking about them, I like fangirling about them. I like to image all kinds of stuff with them – mostly ual – and pretend it will come true one day. But in the end, that’s not the case. Still…. the game of pretend is such a nice one, it draws me in time and time again. These people appear so perfect, because I can’t have any real interaction with them, so the relationship can’t be spoiled, as there is none, outside of my head at least. And don’t we all wish to be at least a little closer to the stars we admire? When I say I love him, I’m saying I love the parts of him I know – his voice, his talent, his dancing, his sunshine-smile, the radiant glow on his face when he’s in front of the camera, his eye-smile, his hair, how he moves his hands, how he moves his body, and all those things. But I cannot say I actually love the person behind that appearance, because I don’t know that person. Or can I…? Idols sacrifice a lot for their profession, also their personal life. So couldn’t it be that the fans too know at least bits and pieces of that idol’s actual personality? After all, they can’t play make-pretend 24/7. Or so at least I’d like to think.

Why. Why do I fall for someone whose face I only know through a screen, who I’ve never even had a conversation with, who has never even looked into my eyes. This reminds me so so of “Space Dye Vest”. The guy who wrote that fell in love with a model in a magazine. I feel like that happened to me too. Just that I saw that person on the internet, not a magazine – cause, who reads those nowadays anyway? I don’t want to be like this, though I enjoy it. Discovering a new group, finding a new bias. But then – when your heart begs you to get to know that person more and your brain tells you you can’t because they live miles away from you, it gets painful. I don’t know if anybody else feels like this too, but I guess I can’t be the only one. But idols are both a blessing and a curse. They have the ability to take you to another world – even make you feel meaningful and needed. But then again, they can only be there for you as their fan – not your friend or lover. Even if you’ve talked to them before – at a fansign or concert or whatever. They’re still just your idol and we’re still just their fans. It saddens me… me, who is so desperate for love, because she has never been truly loved back in that way. Me, who keeps dreaming about dating her idols, just because they sell themselves as being oh-so perfect and because blind ol’ me doesn’t want to face the truth. Because the truth is painful, and I really don’t need anymore pain in my life. But now and again it hits me nonetheless. That these people are after all just idols. They are human, sure, but not to me. To me, they are supposed to be idols – no more nor less.