-PATHETIC ME

 

                   I really felt mellow these past week,it's like I'm drained and really felt empty.There this time I wanted to cry but tears won't out, I really want to cry it's the only thing I needed now.To let out every negative feelings I have.

 

It's really draining and tiring to even try to be happy but there's nothing anymore that can make you one.Maybe it's anxiety attacking me but I don't care anymore. I just wanted to feel alive again.To be able to felt loved,cared,wanted and important again?, I long forgotten those feelings.

 

I also thought that maybe what's happening in my life right now affected me in everything. These days I became more emotional and easy to be hurt by any mild negative words.I'm a hurt huh?

 

But I can't blame myself for feeling this way because what's happening on me.... was so heavy to lift by my fragile heart now.(Drama Queen XD)

 

I tried to find that little bit of happiness but I can't. I also thought I just missed my old friends and bestfriends.Or maybe the indirectly rejections I faced this past months.

 

My friends and best friends? I'm pathetic when it came to them.Sighed I missed them.When I accidentally met them...take that accidentally! Because we never communicated well this past years.They would always said they missed me.Okay you can think me a bad friend, but I can't help but to have  thoughts like....

 

'Really missed me? There's Facebook ,you can message me there and show your longing?' Maybe?

 

But they never did that for the past two years...see that TWO YEARS.Even the person I treat as my bestest best friend he never did that.I missed that one big fella.

 

You can't blame me to have those thoughts okay? Because me? they're always in my mind--thinking of ways or words to say to them , when I'm thinking messaging them.What stopping was the thought that maybe they didn't need me anymore because they already have new circle of friends and lifestyle. And it's been three freaking years that had passed.

 

The truth was, I unfriend all of my friends in my Facebook account. Why did I,did that?I have my reason.

 

It's my birthday that time when I was still a naïve who's stuck in my highschool life.I expected that time, you know? But the auote 'Don't expect,it will just left you disappointed' and that quote taught me well.

 

Yes, I was left disappointed and hurt maybe bitter? I expected them that they would greeted me a 'Happy Birthday' but no one to the people I expected and treated friends and best friends greeted me.I really felt disappointed that time and my birthday turn sour, the saddest birthday ever.What's funny that time was the people I least expected to greet me ,greeted me.They're the only few people that time that I thanked in my heart for remembering even though it's not worth remembering.

 

Because I felt disappointed and sad that time, I wanted to unfriend all of them in my Facebook account.But I waited at least one day maybe they just forgot but truth slaps me , they still didn't. That's when I did what I wanted to do.

 

It's not bad right? But they're my friends who every time I accidentally met was like my friends for a decade now....to act one.I'm really hurt because I dearly hold them in my heart, they have those special space in my heart.But I guessed I'm just the one who felt that.Pathetic right? That's me ;)

 

Last month I did something big, A big step.I unfriend my friends and best friends in my Facebook right? But I don't know what comes to my mind that time to add again one of my best friends.I'm sorry I just missed having a friend again and she's one of the special friend I treated.For three years I don't have a friend to call.Woosh pathetic me.

 

So I add her, it was so nerved wracking that time. I waited two days then make it three days but she didn't accept it.I thought that time maybe she's mad at me for unfriending her.So I cancelled the request but I got the shocked of my life when a notification pops on my Facebook. She freaking sent me a request ,a friend request....take note it's just minutes passed that time when I cancelled my friend request.

 

I was so happy so I immediately accepted it.The problem now , I don't know what I gonna message to her .So I poked her on Facebook and minutes passed she poked me back.I was grinning and all smiles that time knowing she noticed my attempt of reaching her.

 

But that was it , for the next week nothing happened anymore .I'm just her likers on Facebook every post she posted I always like it.

 

Because of the lacked of response I ,unfriend her again.I'm a bad person right? But can you blame me? I just loved them but it seems they don't care about me anymore.Self pity are we? hahaha.

 

There this time I saw them all of my old friends in high school in an event.I was so shy to come near them because they all laughing and look happy. But when I'm about to exit at the venue with my big sister they noticed me and they all say 'Hi!' But I was so shy that my head was bowed all the time even when I greeted back to them.To tell the truth I'm an introvert , an awkward turtle to described so that's why that's my reaction that time.

 

After I greeted back, I immediately leave the venue with so much adrenaline. Adrenaline of joy that I saw them again and greeted me.But also felt sad at the same time realizing , were awkward now to each other.I was so happy that time feeling all giddy.

 

This month of June, I did a big move again, again sorry I just loved them even though they didn't requested back a friend request after I unfriend them.I don't blame them.So back to it, I message one of my best friend that's big for me, knowing I'm a big coward and awkward turtle.

 

I message 'Pssst....How Are you?'

 

Then minutes passed she message back, that's when we chatted for hours.I even said how I missed her but something's off to us.The awkward mood was there....of what topic should be talk about.So after that I stopped because it's really different now there's a big gap now.Heck it's been two years now since the last time I talk to her.

 

Can I share too that , I like her too not just platonic friendship. I have a crush on her when we're still high school until now.I know it's inappropriate to like the same gender but heck I stopped myself but I can't stopped my stubborn heart to still like her.So sorry ,I really am.#Lovewins hehehe :D XD

 

And the reason I stopped chatting to her too was because I'm really shocked and hurt when she mentioned that she has a 'boyfriend' now.That's the last string and that's when I felt tears wanting to roll but I stopped. No , I'm strong I can do it.So I stopped our conversation and didn't reply anymore. I'm thinking of confessing to her, for what? For another shame and heartbreak? Hell no, I'm so done with those I still have in my sleeves to handle.So no, thank you.

 

So now I'm sad and lonely again, feeling the emptiness again.Add more was my problem of getting a job, the rejection I got from it was really that hurt.

 

Sometimes I really wanted to end everything and just died maybe? But luckily there's God who the one I talk about my problems and struggles in life .I'm really thankful He's there to keep my mind away from those thought of ending my life.

 

I'm depressed huh? Maybe it's just the too much stressed I'm having.

 

I know I failed too many times, but it's not bad to expect again and hope right?To hope that happiness may find me and let me feel how to have that happiness. To be feel alive again.

 

Woooh! that's long huh? I'm keeping it for so long now so that's why.Please bear with my not normal thoughts.

 

P.s. To all of my old friends and best friends ,I still love you guys and I still care about you guys.Stay healthy and good luck on your studies guys.

 

P.s.s. I really missed you guys :(