Hi. I don't even know if I should even tell you what this is about... The title says enough but.. Sigh. I'll try. (I wanted to relieve this burden from my chest anyways and I'm kinda in a situation with the person I usually tell my worries to so..here I am.)

Senior year college student. I have to take one extra semester compared to my batch mates because I was an anxious and cowardly idiot who failed a major subject (that was a pre-requisite for another major subject the next sem that I couldn't tak because of it).

I feel embarrassed. Ashamed. 

Now I have to suffer in the hole that I have created. I have to take 250(?) hrs of on job training, supposedly, in my second semester in my senior year but I think I won't be able to because that requires me to finish ALL my major subjects, that I won't be able to finish until my second semester which was supposed to be for the on job training. Instead, I won't be able to do the on job training until the next school term... 

Am I making sense? It means, I have to take an exra semester and won't be able to graduate with most of my batch mates. (Sorry for the round-about explaining)

The sad thing is, I could have avoided that. Even I knew I could have avoided that from happening. How pathetic is that. I knew I could have done better and I ing regret it. I knew I could have passed that subject like the ones I took before but... . Things just happened.

On the plus side, to cheer myself up (because I feel like I'm going to cry if I don't stop talking about the regret), that failed major subject was from the first semester of last year. I made a great comeback and passed all my subjects the following semester (sweet baby jesus I cried when I saw my grades to be honest). Now all I have to do is make sure I pass my all back subjects and try not to fail any more.

(Additional info, I cried in a bathroom stall while talking to my friend after I skipped my first class [that major sub] and I was a mess. And for some odd reason I told her Bangtan would have been so disappointed in me because I wasn't doing my best.) [I still feel that way. I'm not delusional or anything, it's just that they're an inspiration to me and you guys know how they talk to ARMYs a lot and I just felt connected to them and they just talk about school a lot too and advise ARMYs to give their best in everything they do. I also treated them as my friends that time (in an odd way, I still do). And I just felt like I've betrayed them by not giving it my all and I felt like such a disappointment. It was a herculean task to go to that class. At one point I even thought I had anxiety. . It's just.. sigh. 

I could list down the reasons why it went wrong but still.. I could have still braved through everything and  just took the class. I swear something happened and I started on the wrong foot and eveything just came tumbling down.

so.yeah.and this isn't all. I didn't even put here how I have no clue as to what I wanna do after I (hopefully) graduate. Welp. me and my ed up life.

If you read everything, thanks for hearing someone out. I don't mind if nobody's gonna read this. I just wanted to vent out stuff and think I feel a smidge better.

It made me realize I missed my friend though. I haven't talked to her for.. A month and a half? She won't talk to me and my other friend and Idk what's happening. I hope we could talk about it soon. Pray for that. So we could go bowling and reminisce about BTS and that Run episode.

so yeah, if you're still reading... Idk anymore. Thanks I guess? I'm really not expecting anyone to read this, I'm just rambling and talking to myself at this point. If you're weird (in a good way) and are still reading though (seriously?) tell me your who's your ultimate bias in the comments.

okay. (i REALLY honest to goodness think nobody would read up to this point)

well, see you in my next pointless blog I guess

Byebee.

-Hiro