Happy. I was happy. It’s a strange feeling really, something that is so light and airy it feels like it could fly away at any moment. But you don’t want to hold on too tightly, in fact, you can’t, or else you might lose it completely.

Happiness. This feeling of elation, excitement, contentment all wrapped into one. It’s a warm feeling that grows in your chest and spreads to your lips, pulling them up and bringing a twinkle to your eyes. He said to me once “There are many important things but happiness is the most important,” and I have never held words more dear to me than those eleven. Our time is limited and we only have one life to live, so why not find that happiness and give our all to inhale every whiff of it we possibly can? After all, what’s more beautiful and fulfilling than genuine happiness?

He once told me that he loved me, entirely, with his whole heart and soul. And I believed him then, too. There wasn’t a breath that came from him that I didn’t drink up and worship. Maybe that was my first mistake, that I let him know my love was unconditional. Seunghoon told me that was my weakness. Honesty. I had no idea honesty could kill a person but here I am broken and hopeless. Nam Taehyun who hasn’t answered my calls in 7 years is in the ground at my feet. Nam Taehyun who was my first and only love, the ex that broke my heart by dumping me seven years ago is gone.

Happiness is important but it was only important to me if I could share it with him. Happiness made no sense to me because I never seemed to feel it after he left me. Even when I caught him cheating, happiness was still within reach because it was just a mistake, he was still mine at the end of the day.

Seunghoon says he was never mine and I was never his. That each person belongs to themselves only and it was my mistake to ever try to hold him that close. Jinwoo says Seunghoon is biased towards Taehyun but I think Jinwoo is only trying to protect my feelings.

Maybe happiness was a mistake? Who is to say I deserved happiness? Happiness had been buried in the ground three days ago and no one thought to invite me to his funeral because my number wasn’t even saved on his phone.

Seunghoon says I’m a mistake Taehyun made that ruined him. Jinwoo says Seunghoon is just angry that his best friend is gone and that I shouldn’t believe him.

I believe him. Seunghoon is the only person who doesn’t try to protect me so I believe him.

Jinwoo tries to tell me that Taehyun loved me dearly. He tries to convince me that even after seven years, Taehyun loved me. I don’t ask him why Taehyun hasn’t called me since that night he left me drunk in that dingy bar. I don’t ask him why he’s trying to console me with lies. Instead I remember Happiness. Instead I remind myself that I may have been the biggest mistake in Nam Taehyun’s life but no matter how much dirt is in between us now, we made memories named Happiness and they were beautiful. They were so damn beautiful.

The reminders don’t mend my broken heart but it’s something to hold on to at least. For now. Maybe one day Nam Taehyun will forgive me for being a mistake. Maybe one day I’ll forgive myself. But Until then, repentance will come in the form of the searing pain in my chest day after day as I visit his grave. He is resting now. He doesn’t have to make any more painful mistakes like the one named Kang Seungyoon. And I am content with that. Not elated. Not excited. Not happy. Content. And that is plenty. For now.