So pretty much I have deemed this place my journal. I guess I tend to write a lot about things on here that bug me. I've noticed that gets more views and comments than anything else! LOL It's nice to know you guys care. So here we go with another rant journal entry. 

So don't worry, I'm not going to be making an crazy or rash decisions and I'm not leaving this place...yet >.>

No, I love this place too much to actually want to leave it. I mean I've been a registared user since 2010 I believe. Yeah, September 5th, 2010. And pretty much I joined because I was heavily into Super Junior and I believe U-Kiss back then and I was looking for good places to read more fanfics (pretty much cause I read all of the ones on Live Journal XP). I wasn't super active in writing K-Pop fanfiction, mostly I stuck with either anime or working with my own OCs (who were based off of Anime pictures cause I find real life people sometimes are just too ugly haha (I'm going to hell for that one)). I would do occassinal drabbles though when I would be in classes, bored out of my skull. It really seemed the best time for my inspiration to flow, when I didn't want to focus on my school work. I didn't fully get into writing K-Pop fanfics until I discovered the group Nu'est. Many of you know (if you've been here long enough or scrolled back long enough) that my first fanfics I've ever written were on the members of Nu'est and my first full length chaptered story was called Action. Since then I've had a multitude of fanfictions that I've written both with a co-author and on my own. Mostly my group of choice has been with EXO. Though there are still the occassional VIXX or other group fics that are being posted. I've pretty much like abadoned Nu'est which is sad. 

Writing to me has always been hard, but a real passion of mine. And I say passion because it was. I remember when I first got into writing fanfics. It was back around 2001. I was in middle school and my friends introduced me first to roleplaying and into a variety of different animes. This was also around the time I learned about and that I love writing and watching men have together. I think this is a that is also a way of life anymore XD. I can still remember it, the first anime I got into that I researched anime for. Yu Yu Hakusho. My favorite pairing was Hiei and Kurama and I loved reading all the fics that there were about them. They were so amazing and I wanted more. What possessed me to start writing my own fics, I'm not sure. But I did. I wrote so much for Yu Yu Hakusho that I even wrote a little mini book for my seventh grade English class. It's a long story how that came about, but due to an illness I had in 7th grade that caused me to miss a lot of school, to make up my grade so I could move to the next grade level, my English teacher told me I could write a small book of any kind and she would raise my grade. Writing for me was so fun. I created my own original characters and wrote a super long chaptered book for them. And this was back before laptops and computers were a big thing. We only had one computer in our house and it was slow and Bell South was our only internet provider. Most of you might not remember or relate, but those born in 1990 or 1991 will know what I'm talking about. What I wrote, I wrote by hand. All of it.

But as I got older, I really got into roleplaying. It was so much fun, which is a form of writing. Not a great form of writing, but it was wonderful none the less. And I had so many partners and learned from them. My writing style has changed so drasitcally over the course of 16 years. It was so fun, roleplaying anime and then eventually just sticking to ocs. I have so many OCs that I created in like a three year span. I miss rping them.  But while roleplaying, I still continued to write here and there, just little things that really didn't satsfy me. So when it came time for me to pick my classes in 2007 for my 11th grade year, I saw that they had a creative writing class. I took that class in a heart beat, believing that I would learn more tips and tricks on how to write and such. This class was far from it. While I appreciate the fact that I learned the different writing styles in terms of novels, short stories, poetry and screenwriting, I didn't like how things were run and I certainly didn't like having my works put up for scrunity, mainly because it was for a grade. Fanfics aren't for a grade and they aren't being scrunized so hard. And it was sad, that I lost my writing insipriation and motivation. That class really zapped me from everything. It wasn't until 5 years later that I got back into writing.
------(sorry if this reads choppy. I've been interrupted so many times!)-------

In 2012 I started writing fully for K-Pop and let me tell you, I had a lot of fun. I enjoyed thoroughly writing out the love life of Baekho and Ren and the side relationships of Minhyun and Aron. I also enjoyed reading a lot of fanfics for them too. They were my favorite pairings. I also loved writing with OCs as well for them, though I know a lot of people don't like reading fics with OCs in them. It was great for me because like I mentioned, I spent 5 years with no writing ability. No want or will to write a single thing. Even roleplaying was getting harder for me to do. And sadly I lost many friends because of it. But in 2014 my world turned upside down. In 2014 I met my co-author who has gone by many names. When I first met her I believe she was PhoenixAwakening. Then she went to ThruTheAshes. And now she is Kora_Khan. We've had our ups and down, many of you know from the constant adding and deleting of co-authors to fanfics and profiles being deleted and remade. Now, when I say meeting her turned my life upside down, I really don't know if it's a good or bad thing. By this time, I no longer rped with anyone. Not even on my message boards that I really miss. So for me, if I wrote, it was just fanfics. But most of the time I just sat around watching youtube and enjoying learning about K-Pop bands. Meeting my co-author was really fun though, because she lived close to me and we hit it off. She opened the world up to me in terms of I learned about EXO and BTOB. I found out how much fun writing with someone else could be, even though most of our fics ended up writing out in a roleplay fashion where multiple scenes were happening at once. (Yes readers, I hear your complaints that it's hard to follow at times. We're still working on it!) But she was also the reason why I got into K-Pop rping. And that alone was the cause of a lot of our fights and reasons we fell out and then became friends again. 

I have to say though, I thank her very much because if it weren't for her and helping me with roleplays, I never would have met a lot of my friends. Especially Glowfruit, who is an author on here and a co-author to one of my favorite fics I've ever had the pleasure of writing, The Ghost in Me. But the trouble comes because of her. Or rather, how we started writing together. I realized how easy it is to write with someone else, how fast we can create plots and crank out a fic or two a day. Sometimes even three. And that's the issue. Because of that, I find it so hard for myself to write fanfics anymore. It's a true struggle and I suppose, the real reason for this rant. I can't write anymore. Well it's not that I can't. It just that I'm having great difficulty writing fanfics anymore. I want to write them and I do love writing but I feel that what I write, it's not good enough. I doubt everything I write and then I usually don't finish them. And writing scenes are even harder and I feel like I repeat a lot and they just aren't as y as they could be, like the way some other fics are written. I want to be better.

How can I be better? I don't know. I'm going to try be better, which is also the reason I'm 'moving on'. I want to write better and work on becoming a published author. I want to get rid of this lack of motivation and fear of not being a good writer. I want to publish works for people to read and enjoy, with characters of my own that I truely love so much. This is what I really want to do. And once more I've had a realization that though I want to do this, writing fanfics is the only thing I really know and writing with ocs is hard as well.

So what am I going to do? This is what I'm thinking about. I'm going to start working on stories. I have a list of prompts and such that I could try and do little drabbles and short stories for. But at first I think I'm going to work them as a fanfic. Or at least, use idol names. Possibly? Does that make sense? At least until I can get into the habit of writing with ocs. And hopefully I'll also be giving you all more fics to read. I was thinking of posting my oc character profiles as well, would that be something you would want to read.

Though I know this is a site for asian fanfics, I'm also thinking of posting my old stories that I wrote. Both with ocs and anime characters. Is that something that you all would be interested in? I'm going to make a few polls so I would really appreciate it if you voted.

....

Well I have reached the end of this rant. I thnk I got a lot off my chest and spoke a lot about my future plans. I'm also asking for feedback and I hope you all will be willing to help. I want to thank you all for reading this far. I appreciate you all and I hope to one day have something amazing to give to you. Until then, I hope you enjoy all my fics and continue to be my readers and fans.

I love you! 

^_^