Yo guys!

Hey everyone that might actually read this!  My name is April and I was in some desperate need to vent.  Please note that everything I say is my personal experiences and feelings.  No one needs to be offended by what i say.  Much Love To All!!!!!

Ok so i'm just gonna start off by saying, Anxiety is cruel alone but when you mix it with depression and rrepressed anger issues then it becomes a whole new thing in and of its self!  Today i woke up late because i have a hard time sleeping early, its almost 3 am right now, and the first thing i'm woken up to is my grandmother banging on my bedroom door.  I'm also a light sleeper so the first bang woke me up and by the second one i was already throwing the sheets off me and rushing for the door.  I get to the door and before i can even open the door she starts ranting "you never listen and this is the last time i will tell you this".  Now mind you, i have no freaking clue what she is talking about, no, yelling about.  Legit yelling.  So im in a bra and no pants and she is yelling so i say hold on so i can get dressed and she starts yelling again "how come you are never dressed.  It seems like you never wear clothes".  I get dressed and walk out my room but she walked away.  I walk down stairs to the kitchen and i hear her scream my name from the garage.  I rush out there and she is standing next to the garbage can.  Now for the life of me i can not understand why she would be sticking her head in a trash can but she did.  She pulls out a empty bottle of water.  I am standing there aw struck by what was going on.  She throws the bottle of water on the ground and yells "why can't you ever listen to what i tell you!  I only want to help you dear!  If you continue to do this then you will never be able to succeed in life!  You will never meet a man, get a good job.  You will forever mooch of me and your mother!"   At this point i am so close to flipping my that i simply say "yes grandma" and pick up the bottle of water.  If ya'll are lost as to what the issue was then let me clear it up.  I put an empty bottle of water in the wrong trash can.  I was supposed to put it in the trash can next to it, which is for recycling.  Now i know recycling is important and everything.  I support the environment and even do beachh clean ups. What was bothering me was the fact that i was being screamed at for something so simple.  She could have simply told me to be careful of what trash can i put my bottles in or what i do so many times for her, put it where it belongs and move on.  My issue with this whole thing was the fact that i got yelled and screamed at for something so simple.  Something that was so insignificant.  She did it because she wanted to yell at me. 

Now yall may be thinking "she doesn't yell at you because she wants to, she might be stressed."  "She probably is having a hard week".   NO!  She just got back, two days ago, from a 11 day cruise and is leaving tomorrow to go on a 6 day road trip with her bf.  She didn't go to work, have any medical or financial issues.  She just has a grudge against me and my mother.  If we are not perfect and follow all of her rules then we are bad people. 

Not only the bottle incident!  After that i went back into my room and took my pants off, i like no pants in bed.  About 30 minutes later she is banging on my door again.  I go to the door and tell her to wait one second.  I put pants on and open the door.  "Where is my tan pillow case?"  She, not politely, said to me.  " I dont know grandma.  I havent seen it"  She continued to tell me it was in the wash with the sheets i did yesterday and how it couldnt possibly disappear.  (Story is going to be short because melatonin is kicking in and im nodding off)   So i go down stairs and check the washer and dryer but i see no tan pillow case.  I check the bedroom that i changed the sheets in because i thought maybe it got stuck in the sheets and fell in the room.  Nothing.  At this point she has already reminded me that it cant disappear and how it was amazing how it did when i did the laundry.  I really tried keeping my patience here so i nicely asked if there was any place she might have put it.  She said no "only places i put it is on my pillow or in the wash" .  The fact that she is being rude and vicious started to get to me so i said "maybe you put it in your laundry to wash next and just forgot". She scoffed and said "i doubt it.  You think i am getting old and crazy but i would never forget where i put the pillow case.  Ill check anyway."  She walks to her room and about 2 minutes later she comes out and says "ok you can go back to your hole (being my room)".  I smirked and asked "did you find it?"  She said she did.  It was in the laundry basket in her closet.  

Now I know everyone's family is different and has their own problems but I honestly believe that parents/grandparents should teach children to respect by giving it.   I love my grandmother.  She has always been there to help me but at the same time she is also a good cause of my anxiety and depression.  I have never been good enough in her eyes.  My cousin is doing this, your cousin is doing that.  Stop.  I'm proud of my cousins but i will never be them.  This whole day i felt like and that no one will ever love me.  Not even the ones i call my family.  It hurts but who can i actually tell.  People say " Im here for you.  You can confide in me"  but once you do they get quiet or start to analyze you.  Not needed. 

Sorry if this was kind of depressing.  I just needed to get this out.  My heart was feeling so heavy with this weight kept inside my chest.  I wanted to tell someone, anyone.  I just wish i could tell my family how i feel sometimes but i know they will only say " You're being a drama queen" or "Maybe you should get meds to deal with that".  And yes i do know this what they will say because they have said it to me before and even to my sister who has been diagnosed with horrible depression and anxiety and now has to take meds.  I dont want that.  I want to be heard and understood.  Same as everyone else. 

Well im done being dramatic.  I hope ya'll have a great day and stay positive.  This stuff may be annoying and cause anxiety and e but you can stay strong.  Love ya'll and i will be writing more soon.  Bye!!!!